By Skip Daverman
MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul
were engulfed in a mysterious yellow light earlier today, and as a result, the
Twin Cities became sentient and started to bicker.
Scientists from the University of Minnesota were baffled
as to the origin of the yellow light and about its curious effect. “This is crazy,” biology professor Laura
Stern said. “The cities aren’t living
organisms. They’re inanimate objects,
and on top of that, their boundaries are arbitrary. It’s not like the land between them or the
suburbs is different from each other.
How the light transformed the cities into sentient beings makes no sense
whatsoever.
“And the mouths they’ve developed in their respective
downtowns are just creepy.”
Police and news helicopters have confirmed the existence
of giant mouths in each city, both about 400-500 feet in length. The Minneapolis mouth formed along the
Mississippi River in Gold Medal and Mill Ruins Parks, destroying West Park
Riverway in the process. The St. Paul
mouth formed along Kellogg Blvd, eating the cars, parking lot, and garage that
were originally there. And then the
cities started to bicker.
“I was just out on a jog when I heard this big boom,”
said Minneapolis resident, Rob Serling.
“I don’t know how to describe it really, but it just sounded like a big
deep boom. Eventually, I was able to
make out that it was English, but it was too loud to understand.”
From a mile away, Minneapolis resident, Joy Wang, was
able to understand it, mostly. “It said
something like, ‘You’re a poser, Paulie,’ in an almost sneering voice,” said
Joy. “’I’m where it’s at, and you’re
a---something something.’ Then it laughed,
and the ground shook.”
Residents in St. Paul were just as confused. “The mouth growled,” said Denise Black, who
was walking to work. “It was just a
growl. No words. Then it said something about ‘at least I’m
not full of hippies,’ and I couldn’t make out the rest.”
The mayors of both cities and the governor of Minnesota
could not be reached for comment at this moment. The bickering has continued all day, bringing
business to a halt. “I’m just trying to
sell my hot dogs,” said Minneapolis food truck vendor, Jack McHanahan of Hot
Doggin’ The City. “I mean, I make my own
hot dogs. They’re organic, local, free
range gourmet hot dogs, the best in the state.
How am I supposed to sell anything if I can’t hear people’s orders from
the constant bickering?”
