Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul were engulfed in a mysterious yellow light earlier today, and as a result, the Twin Cities became sentient and started to bicker.

Scientists from the University of Minnesota were baffled as to the origin of the yellow light and about its curious effect.  “This is crazy,” biology professor Laura Stern said.  “The cities aren’t living organisms.  They’re inanimate objects, and on top of that, their boundaries are arbitrary.  It’s not like the land between them or the suburbs is different from each other.  How the light transformed the cities into sentient beings makes no sense whatsoever.

“And the mouths they’ve developed in their respective downtowns are just creepy.”

Police and news helicopters have confirmed the existence of giant mouths in each city, both about 400-500 feet in length.  The Minneapolis mouth formed along the Mississippi River in Gold Medal and Mill Ruins Parks, destroying West Park Riverway in the process.  The St. Paul mouth formed along Kellogg Blvd, eating the cars, parking lot, and garage that were originally there.  And then the cities started to bicker.

“I was just out on a jog when I heard this big boom,” said Minneapolis resident, Rob Serling.  “I don’t know how to describe it really, but it just sounded like a big deep boom.  Eventually, I was able to make out that it was English, but it was too loud to understand.”

From a mile away, Minneapolis resident, Joy Wang, was able to understand it, mostly.  “It said something like, ‘You’re a poser, Paulie,’ in an almost sneering voice,” said Joy.  “’I’m where it’s at, and you’re a---something something.’  Then it laughed, and the ground shook.”

Residents in St. Paul were just as confused.  “The mouth growled,” said Denise Black, who was walking to work.  “It was just a growl.  No words.  Then it said something about ‘at least I’m not full of hippies,’ and I couldn’t make out the rest.”

The mayors of both cities and the governor of Minnesota could not be reached for comment at this moment.  The bickering has continued all day, bringing business to a halt.  “I’m just trying to sell my hot dogs,” said Minneapolis food truck vendor, Jack McHanahan of Hot Doggin’ The City.  “I mean, I make my own hot dogs.  They’re organic, local, free range gourmet hot dogs, the best in the state.  How am I supposed to sell anything if I can’t hear people’s orders from the constant bickering?”

Bug-Man Flees Exploding Apartment Building

By Chase Chapley

The Verzatt Estates were rocked today by an explosion on the 6th floor as a man dressed as a bug flew away from the scene.  No one was reportedly injured.

Officer Joe Mantle was on the scene first.  “All I saw was what everyone else saw,” he said.  “A guy dressed as a bug flew out of the exploding building, followed by some giant flying bugs.”  As to whether the man caused the explosion, Mantle had no comment as the investigation was still ongoing.

The apartment that exploded belonged to a John Smith according to building owner Max Childress.  “I’ve only met him a couple times, and he had a clean record,” said Childress.  “The Verzatt Estates are some of the priciest apartments in the city, so we vet our tenants very carefully.  We don’t even know if Mr. Smith as involved in this.”

Apartments from the 4th to 8th floors were damaged in the explosion, but since it was the middle of the day, almost no one was home.  As for what caused the explosion, the NRPD is still investigating but has ruled out a gas leak since the building doesn’t use natural gas.  Likely, it was something related to “bug-man” specifically as policemen and firemen have been moving freely inside the building.

“We’ve searched the entire building for explosives,” said Officer Mantle, “and there isn’t anything there.  It’s safe to go in and around.  Weirdoes flying around dressed as bugs won’t stick out in this city, so keep an eye out.”

Man Sues Red Bull for False Advertisement

By Muffy Borgeron

Springfield resident Luke Seward is suing the makers of the energy drink Red Bull for false advertisement.  “Their ads say ‘Red Bull gives you wings,’” Seward said in a statement, “and people in their ads are depicted as gaining the power of flight after consuming their product.  I have drunk several dozen cans of Red Bull and have not grown wings.  This is false advertisement.”

A spokesperson for Red Bull called the lawsuit frivolous.  “The marketing campaign for Blue Ox is clearly meant to be metaphorical,” he said.  “They’re cartoon characters, not real people in our ads.  We have never claimed our product can give someone actual wings.”

Even still, Seward is convinced that living in a superhuman-filled city such as New Romford is reasonable enough cause to expect superpowers from an energy drink.  “People get splashed by chemicals everyday and get superpowers,” he said.  “Clearly, Red Bull is made of dozens of chemicals, any combination of which could cause a person to fly.  I don’t know by what method, either by giving me wings or magnetic levitation or whatever method Adonis uses.”

Many of Seward’s neighbors, while understanding his point, see another motive for this lawsuit.  “He tried jumping off his roof after drinking a can of Red Bull,” said Paula McCreary.  “He didn’t fly, of course.  Just landed on a mat he had on the ground.  But I think he’s just embarrassed.”

Seward would not comment on the incident.

Atlantean Dishes Just In Time for Atlantis Meetings

By Julia Crumpleman

Elizabeth Schumacher

As the Atlantis-Peace Force Meetings get underway tomorrow, at least one New Romforder is embracing their culture via their food.  Elizabeth Schumacher, head chef of Amethyst in LoDo, has debuted a new Atlantean menu today.

“Atlantean cuisine is so foreign to us land-lubbers,” Schumacher said.  “We think we know seafood, but we know so very little.  They eat creatures that we’ve never even seen.  It just fascinates me.”

Crafting an Atlantean menu was a particularly difficult task due to lack of authentic ingredients.  “I can go online and find so many recipes, but half of the ingredients come from the bottom of the ocean,” she said.  “Their skin is so thick that they can survive the pressure, and there’s no way I can afford a submarine.  So I do the best I can.”

One dish, called Ac’jurlnnam Ka’put’ka, involves sautéing the liver of a Trench Crawler, an animal that crawls deep trenches in the ocean.  Famed ocean explorer Jacques Cousteau is the only human who has ever seen one.  According to Cousteau, the creature was at least seven meters (about 23 feet) long, virtually blind, and moved at a snail’s pace.  “It was as magnificent as a turtle,” Cousteau said.  “Its movements were exact and carefully planned.  The pads on its feet felt the ocean bed’s surface like a blind man with a cane.  It had a grace to it, not forcing its way through the world but, instead, moving where the universe led it.  We could learn so much from this gentle creature.”  Schumacher is substituting the liver with tuna, peppercorns, and fennel.

Another dish, P’kan An’kan, mostly uses kelp and sea salt but requires coral reef, which is also difficult to obtain.  “I don’t really swim,” Schumacher said, “and it’s not like people go out to fish for coral reef.  So I’m using hard pretzels, paprika, and red wine vinegar instead.  I hear it’s practically the same.”

For the most part, Atlantean dishes can substitute most ingredients for any sort of seafood from Hobbs Market.  Squid, octopus, sea anemone, and even sponge are common ingredients.  “But it’s all in the preparation.  They can’t have fire or electricity down there, so most of their food is eaten cold.  They cure a lot of their food, and if they do use heat, it’s from an underwater volcano pit or whatever they call it, and that’s takes hours to cook.”

As for whether or not an Atlanteans will visit her restaurant, Schumacher is skeptical but hopeful.  “I would love for a few of them to stop by,” she said.  “It would be a great honor.  I’d love to just pick their brains about food and their culture.

“I’d even serve them raw puffer fish.  I hear they eat those like fruit.”

Man Doesn’t Gain Superpowers After Fall into Vat of Chemicals

By Muffy Borgeron

Gil Heredia

It was a strange day at ATOM Labs when maintenance worker, Gil Heredia, fell into a vat of chemicals but did not gain superpowers.

Heredia, 54, was making his normal rounds of the day when he entered one of the many chemical storage rooms.  A longtime ATOM Labs employee, he is usually careful, said his manager Lauren Paladio, but accidents happen.  “Gil was mopping up the walkway that goes over the vats of chemicals,” she said, “like he does everyday.  He wears slip-resistant shoes, like everyone must, but according to the security camera, he just tripped over his bucket.

“I’m just thankful he’s still alive, but frankly, I’m surprised that he hasn’t gained superpowers.”

Exposure to chemicals is one of the leading causes of attaining superpowers.  The UN estimates half the world’s superhuman population gained their powers by this method.  “At the very least, he should have some physical mutation,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero.  “Like tentacles for legs or blue fur.  But so far, nothing.  His skin is just burned, which is not a mutation.  Certainly, I’m grateful he’s alive, but the fact he hasn’t grown horns and a tail confuses me.  Maybe it’ll take time.”

Heredia is currently being monitored by the ATOM Labs Biology Division.  His wife and two sons joined him in his room, but he is in a medically-induced coma while his body heals from his burns.  Scientists expect a long recovery.

Future Farm Tower One Complete

by Packie Williams

Future Farm, Tower One, is completed and open for business according to Martin Grainger, a.k.a. Dr. Amazing.  The 120-floor skyscraper is the first of five structures in Heights Park.  It is a project funded by billionaire industrialist Thomas McDowell and designed by Dr. Amazing aimed at producing food for the city of New Romford by using limited space.

“One of the greatest challenges we as humanity will have to face,” said Dr. Amazing, “is being able to feed everyone as our population grows.  As we have expanded outwards, our farmland is being devoured, so we have to build farms up instead of out.”

The project started construction five years ago after several false starts due to land usage and funding issues.  Thomas McDowell stepped in to fund the entire project after approaching Dr. Amazing himself.

“I heard of the Doctor’s vision,” said McDowell, “and I wanted to help in any way that I could.  It took some doing to get the funding in place because I knew this project would help out so many people.  Now, I’m so happy to see it up and running.”

Tower One will produce corn, wheat, rice, lettuce, carrots, potatoes, and tomatoes for the majority of the floors while herbs and spices will take up fewer levels.  The atrium will raise cattle, pigs, and chickens.  Several floors will also be used for research and development, though Dr. Amazing won’t disclose what he is researching.

Dr. Amazing hopes to harvest his crops in five to six months.  “It’ll depend on how quickly they grow,” he said.  “We have a special fertilizer that should speed up the process, but we’ll see how that goes.”  Asked if this was the same fertilizer that turned the then-infant Jacob Park and his dog Nipper into 50-foot giants last year that resulted in the destruction of Essex Town, the Doctor gave no comment.

Towers Two to Five are still currently in construction.  They are expected to open one at a time over the next several years.