‘Normal Man’ Still Recovering From Chemical Bath

By Muffy Borgeron

Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fellinto a vat of chemicals a couple weeks ago, is still recovering from his burns and, strangely, still hasn’t gained superpowers.

“Gil’s still in a medically-induced coma,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero, “and we’re doing our best to heal his burns, but now he has internal damage to his organs.  That chemical vat was a toxic brew, and frankly, everyone here is just surprised he hasn’t grown fur or bat wings.”

“At the very least, he should’ve grown a third eye by now.”

Heredia’s family is remaining quiet as they hope he recovers from his wounds.  Matt Laredo, the family spokesman, has requested privacy through this trying time.  “The Heredias understand the intrigue surrounding their husband and father of two.  Right now, the family asks for your prayers and hopes everyone can learn a valuable lesson that chemicals are not a reliable source of superpowers.”

Indeed, the city seems to be rocked by the news of Heredia’s fate.  Sales of gas masks and hazmat suits have tripled in the past weeks, and traffic around ATOM Labs and other chemical plants has dipped substantially.  “It’s like people just realized this stuff was dangerous,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio.  “I wouldn’t say people were jumping into chemicals before this, but I think people were less cautious because they thought, ‘Hey, if I get sprayed by chemicals from a truck accident, then at least I’ll get something cool out of it.’  Poor Gil, he’s just a normal man.  Hopefully, this will be a teachable moment for people.”

“Even still, maybe he’ll wake up and have telekinesis or something.”

NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

By Packie Williams

The NRPD have determined that Hellena stole an undisclosed item from ATOM Labs yesterday with the purpose of restoring her timeline.  And she likely caused the déjàvu that many people felt as well.

Hellena is the evil alternate timeline version of superhero Titana, who was brought to our timeline during one of Titana’s adventures.  The circumstances of that adventure have never been fully disclosed to the public.  But Hellena, who sacrificed herself to Hades to save the Amazons from Napoleon and turned evil as a result, has been a fixture in our timeline for the past eight years nonetheless.

The item stolen from ATOM Labs may’ve been activated inside the labs by Hellena or one of her associates, who were seen but not apprehended.  A source within the NRPD has indicated that the déjà vu experienced around the world was likely caused by Hellena trying to restore her timeline in the past.  So far all indications are preliminary, but given Hellena’s continued quest to return to her timeline, it’s a safe bet she was behind it.

No one at ATOM Labs is confirming the suspicions, and Dr. Amazing, a co-founder of ATOM Labs, has not spoken since the incident.  Hellena is currently being held in Granite Prison in a depowering room.

Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

By Packie Williams

Supervillain Hellena was back in New Romford today, jumping several miles in just a few jumps before being defeated by Titana at Bayland Amusement Park.

Hellena, an alternate timeline version of the superhero Titana, had apparently stolen something from ATOM Labs this morning.  NRPD and ATOM Labs are keeping quiet as to what the item was, but it was small enough to be carried by hand in a metal container.  After stealing the item, Hellena proceeded to jump several stories into the air (as she cannot fly) towards downtown.  She landed first just outside of PFHQ and then in the middle of the New Avenue and 4^th Avenue intersection, causing pile-ups in the dozens in every direction.  Titana flew in from the north and knocked her alternate self into the Bayland Amusement Park.

Witnesses reported that the two Amazonian princesses talked for several minutes before they fought.  They destroyed several small game stands and the carousel before ending up on the Ferris Wheel. 

Hellena’s fighting style was erratic and very limber, according to Diana Price.  “She was doing all these weird backflips and contortions.  She must have a super spine to do this stuff.  And then her breasts flopped out of her costume.”

“I don’t know what world she came from, but superwomen need to support their girls like everyone else.”

Despite her wardrobe malfunction, Hellena proved formidable for several minutes until Titana threw baseballs from a bottle-knock-down game at her.  Eventually, she went down with a fastball to the face.

Titana waited for the NRPD to arrive and arrest Hellena.  She spoke with an office and flew away with the container in hand.

Bayland Amusement Park closed for the rest of the day and indefinitely until repairs can be made.

Lightning Bug Equipment Malfunction Caused Explosion

By Chase Chapley

New details have emerged from the Lightning Bug’s capture last week.  Horace Wagner, a.k.a. the Lightning Bug, had acquired some new equipment while staying at the Verzatt Estates.  This new equipment apparently malfunctioned and caused the explosion.

Wagner had set up an alias in New Romford several months ago, presumably to make connections with new partners.  Sources within the NRPD are not commenting on exactly who he was meeting with, but given his apartment at Verzatt Estates under the alias John Smith, it is assumed he met or was attempting to meet with rich clients.

At some point, Wagner was given new equipment to augment his Lightning Bug suit.  It malfunctioned and caused the explosion at his apartment.  Wagner then fled the scene in his suit, followed by a small swarm of insects, and was eventually captured by Speedster.  The NRPD would not confirm what the new equipment was exactly, but they did confirm that it wasn’t nuclear or otherwise contagious.  ATOM Labs scanned the room and confirmed the results.

Wagner is currently in jail, awaiting trial for several counts of destruction of property, illegal possession of advanced weaponry, vandalism, battery, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.

Donald Trump Claims Obama Is A Clone

By Falco Rockbert

File photo

NEW YORK – Despite all evidence to the contrary, business magnate Donald Trump claimed today that President Obama was a clone.

For months Trump has been questioning the president’s legitimacy as an American citizen.  Last year he sent a team to Hawaii to investigate Obama’s birth certificate, claiming that it was “missing.”  The following week the White House release the president’s long form Certificate of Live Birth from Hawaii, hoping to put the “controversy” to rest.

It stayed alive, of course.  Trump and other birthers had requested on a daily basis to use Dr. Amazing’s time machine to see the president’s birth for themselves.  Eventually, Dr. Amazing relented, and, with the approval from the president with assurances nothing would be altered, he allowed journalists, politicians, and selected civilians to witness Obama’s birth in Honolulu in 1961.  Trump tagged along, footing half of the $10 million to operate the machine.  Most of the time travelers came back satisfied that President Obama was an American citizen (apart from the tragic fate of John Mahoney).  Trump was not.

“This proves nothing,” said Trump in an interview with Fox News.  “All this shows is that Obama was born in Hawaii but not that he is who he says he is.  There’s a lot of time from when he was born to now.  How do we know he isn’t a clone?  We don’t.  In this world of supervillains and weirdoes, we’ve had hundreds of clones.  Even of superheroes.  How do we know the president isn’t a clone of some nefarious party?”

While superheroes have been known to be switched with clones in the past, today they have methods of detecting such things.  Tarantula-Man was infamously switched with a clone over 20 years ago, a saga that wrecked his life.  It took him years to salvage his reputation, but a method to detect clones was discovered by ATOM Labs. 

“This is ludicrous,” said ATOM Labs professor, Sarah McLane.  “We scan every member of Congress, every member of the Supreme Court, and every member of the White House once a week.  There are no clones in Washington.”

Trump was not swayed by this.  “Clearly, they’re in cahoots with the president,” he said.  “Why don’t they let the public see this?  Why is this behind closed doors?  I tried to go in and see it, but they turned me away.  They’re hiding something.”

McLane says that the Clone Detector is available to view on the ATOM Labs tour but confirmed that they turned Trump away.  “We didn’t let him in because he was harassing everybody,” she said.  “This is a place for learning, sharing ideas, expanding human knowledge.  Not browbeating everyone who disagrees with you.”

“Plus, his hair was scaring children.”

Speedster Captures Lightning Bug

By Chase Chapley

Speedster tore through East Town today in pursuit of Lightning Bug, who is one of Speedster’s supervillains from New York.  He is suspected of causing the explosion at the Verzatt Apartments yesterday.

The chase went up Main Street and veered off into the winding streets of East Town before culminating on the Milton Street exit on I-188.  It was a mixture of lightning, mutated insects, and super speed which ended in a small tornado generated by Speedster.  The high wind speeds disrupted Lightning Bug’s mechanical wings, and he fell to the ground, knocking him unconscious.

The NRPD apprehended Lightning Bug and thanked Speedster for her help.  She began to say “You’re Welcome” when she ran off down 188.  The chase left a few people injured and many more cars and buildings damaged.

The NRPD has released very few details as to what Lightning Bug was doing in New Romford.  He had been on the loose for several months and had usually been a hired hand in bank heists.  No bank robberies have occurred in New Romford in over a year.  Lightning Bug is not believed to have any associates in New Romford, but he may have been looking to make connections.

Residents are advised to find an alternate route while the NRPD and ATOM Labs scrub the insect guts off the highway.

Birther Denies Own Birth, Ceases to Exist

By Falco Rockbert

Leeds resident, John Mahoney, 43, who denied that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, began to question his own birth and thought himself out of existence.

John had been questioning Obama’s birthplace for years now, according to friends and family, despite evidence that confirmed Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii.  “He just wouldn’t listen,” said Mary Mahoney, his visibly distraught wife.  “It was ridiculous, of course, but John’s a stubborn man.  I didn’t think it would lead to this.”

Mary said she tried to get her husband off this conspiracy theory numerous times.  They examined Obama’s long form birth certificate and local Hawaiian newspapers that announced the president’s birth to no avail.  When Dr. Amazing allowed the one-time trip to 1961 Honolulu for journalists, politicians, and civilians who won a lottery (approved by the president and done by Dr. Amazing to stop the thousands of daily requests to go back to that time), Mary entered their names.  They were selected, and the Mahoneys and a friend went back in time.  “That trip cost us $10,000,” said his friend, Travis Buckner, “and he still didn’t believe it.  I mean, he saw Obama actually being born in Honolulu, and [he] still denied it.”

When they returned home, nothing could persuade John, and that was when Mary and his friends had had enough.  “I can’t remember exactly what was said,” his wife said, “but Travis was livid.  He said something like, ‘Well, how do you know you were born where you said you were?  How do you know you weren’t born in China?’  Then John just got really quiet and took a walk.”

Weeks passed as friends say John was a different person.  “He was quieter than normal,” said his neighbor, Carl Masterson.  “Usually he’s talking your ear off, but he just didn’t talk.  He seemed shaken.”

Mary remembered he took walks alone and stared, blankly, at the TV.  The last few days, he stayed home from work, sick.  He had a fever and vomited and mumbled to himself.  “He said something like, ‘How do I know I’m not Chinese?  I really like Panda Express,’” said Mary.  “I thought he was just having a hard time facing reality, like it was a physical reaction.  I thought he’d get over it eventually, but it just got worse.” 

Last night, John started to violently tremble.  Mary dialed 911, and on the phone recording, John could be heard saying, “I can’t prove that I exist.  Therefore, I don’t exist.”  According to Mary, John seemed to fold in on himself, forming a single dot, and then he was gone with an audible blip.   John Mahoney had thought himself out of existence.

Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs scientists examined the Mahoneys’ residence for clues but found none.  “I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I’ve always respected the power of the human mind, but this is just incredible!  I mean, it’s tragic, of course, but this is just so fascinating.  I have no idea what happened here!”

Mary is staying with her mother in White Valley while the investigation continues.  It’s unknown whether her husband’s life insurance policy covers this as it could be construed as a suicide and therefore ineligible for benefits.

President Obama had no comment.

Adonis Saves Michelle Meyers…Again

By Falco Rockbert

Intrepid reporter, Michelle Meyers, was saved, yet again, from the Master of Disaster while investigating a story in the Warehouse District.  This was the third time Meyers has been saved by Adonis this month.

The Master of Disaster was purportedly stealing ATOM Lab technology when he and his crew spotted Meyers snooping around the area.  She was captured by the MoD and tied up over a trash compactor, seemingly about to fall to her death.  Naturally, Adonis swooped in to save her at the last minute and took care of the MoD and his crew.  No one could offer an explanation why no one shot Meyers with their guns when they found her.

Adonis and Meyers waited for the police to show up.  “I think Ms. Meyers has had enough excitement for one day,” said Adonis as he flew away with the reporter in his arms.  Meyers refused to comment.

This incident continues the long, storied history between Adonis and Meyers.  Getting into trouble, only to be saved by New Romford’s Favorite Son, is a regular occurrence.  So far, this marks the twenty-eighth save.

Man Doesn’t Gain Superpowers After Fall into Vat of Chemicals

By Muffy Borgeron

Gil Heredia

It was a strange day at ATOM Labs when maintenance worker, Gil Heredia, fell into a vat of chemicals but did not gain superpowers.

Heredia, 54, was making his normal rounds of the day when he entered one of the many chemical storage rooms.  A longtime ATOM Labs employee, he is usually careful, said his manager Lauren Paladio, but accidents happen.  “Gil was mopping up the walkway that goes over the vats of chemicals,” she said, “like he does everyday.  He wears slip-resistant shoes, like everyone must, but according to the security camera, he just tripped over his bucket.

“I’m just thankful he’s still alive, but frankly, I’m surprised that he hasn’t gained superpowers.”

Exposure to chemicals is one of the leading causes of attaining superpowers.  The UN estimates half the world’s superhuman population gained their powers by this method.  “At the very least, he should have some physical mutation,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero.  “Like tentacles for legs or blue fur.  But so far, nothing.  His skin is just burned, which is not a mutation.  Certainly, I’m grateful he’s alive, but the fact he hasn’t grown horns and a tail confuses me.  Maybe it’ll take time.”

Heredia is currently being monitored by the ATOM Labs Biology Division.  His wife and two sons joined him in his room, but he is in a medically-induced coma while his body heals from his burns.  Scientists expect a long recovery.