Trump Blackouts New York, New Jersey

By Falco Rockbert

NEW YORK – While avoiding serious charges for his faulty psychic detector stunt, Donald Trump caused a blackout in New York City and New Jersey yesterday while powering up his Trump Portal Detector.

Continuing his fruitless pursuit to prove President Obama is an imposter, Trump was building a portal detector in his Trump Tower.  The aim was to determine if Obama was from another dimension and to undermine his eligibility for president.  Beings from alternate dimensions are closely monitored by the U.N. and the global science community at large, and such beings emit an “aura” of ionic residue that is different from our dimension, which makes them easy to detect.  No one has raised any concerns about President Obama or his staff, yet that hasn’t convinced Trump.

“Of course, they’re going to say they’re clean,” said Trump.  “They’re in cahoots with one another.  Only me and my Trump Portal Detector are truly independent, and I can assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this.”

Then Trump turned on his machine and shorted out the power grid of New York and northeastern New Jersey.  Thankfully, it was in the middle of the day, so damage was minimal, though several traffic accidents were reported.  Remembering the blackout of 2003, most New Yorkers took the inconvenience in stride.  Needless to say, the Trump Portal Detector didn’t work.

Power was eventually returned within hours, and New York and New Jersey got back to work.  Trump wouldn’t comment after the incident, and the NYPD is reportedly investigating this as a misdemeanor.

Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

By Falco Rockbert

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – While continuing to build his Trump Portal Detector, business magnate Donald Trump revealed his “big surprise” about President Obama by attempting to prove he was being mind-controlled using a psychic wave detector.  He only succeeded in causing headaches for every living thing within three miles and receiving a visit from the Secret Service.

Not satisfied with the surmounting evidence that the president was born in Hawaii, Trump first accused Obama of being a clone.  When that didn’t pan out, he hired scientists to build a portal detector to prove Obama was from an alternate dimension.  Impatient, he bought a psychic wave detector from Germany to prove Obama was being mind-controlled.

All results came back negative for everyone within a three-mile radius, including the White House and Congress, but scientists are suggesting Trump bought a substandard device as a proper detector doesn’t cause side effects.  Headaches were felt by every living thing after he activated his device, causing several traffic accidents on roads and highways, mass confusion in animals, and alarms to go off at the Pentagon and White House.  There was a panic of a terrorist attack, but Trump was videotaping himself from his room in the Hay-Adams, overlooking the White House, when it happened.

“With this psychic wave detector,” said Trump on the video, “I can determine if the president is being mind-controlled by Mental-Man or Dr. Brain or whoever [editor’s note:  there are no records that these supervillains exist].  I can ensure the American people that I will get to the bottom of whoever that man is in the White House, once and for all.”  Then, Trump fumbled around with the device and activated it.  He is shown experiencing a headache as soon as it’s turn on.

The video then briefly shows Trump and another man fumbling to turn off the device, and then the video cuts off.  The Secret Service was able to triangulate the position of the device from their command center and promptly arrested Trump.  So far, no major injuries have been reported around D.C. or from the White House, but President Obama did appear from the White House balcony to wave at supporters.  Aides say he was making jokes about it at dinner.

Trump is currently in Secret Service custody along with the psychic wave detector.  No word yet on what charges he may face.

Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

By Falco Rockbert

NEW YORK – Not content with seeing President Obama be born in person, business magnate Donald Trump now claims the president is from a parallel universe.  And he is spending millions to prove it.

“How many parallel universes are there in the multiverse?” said Trump to the New York Times.  “Infinite, right?  How do we know the president wasn’t switched at birth with an evil version of himself?  Did anyone take pictures of him as a baby with a goatee?  We haven’t seen it because they’re hiding something from us, and I intend to prove it.”

The multiverse is an ever-expanding field of study in cosmology as new parallel universes are discovered every year.  ATOM Labs has notated at least 12,000 different parallel universes in the past sixty years.  Many superheroes that reside in our universe, dubbed Universe-Prime, came from parallel universes, including Total Woman, Laser, and the android Qu8N-J.  A parallel universe can be different in subtle ways, where green means stop on traffic lights (Universe 2,144), or in significant ways, where the sun is green and lizards rule the world (Universe 8,401).

Access to dimensional portals is restricted all around the world thanks to the Dimensional Portal Agreement of 1988.  To operate such a machine requires extensive inspection by the UN Superhuman Security Panel, and most would-be dimension hoppers are shut down before they even get started.  Iran tried to setup their own dimensional portal for “scientific reasons” in 2007, but they were shut down through several sanctions and a special “spray” Dr. Amazing made rendering an area immune to portal generation.  Even building a portal detector to determine if objects came from Universe-Prime requires scrutiny as it could still be used to generate portals.

Somehow, Trump is passing all the inspections.  “We have nothing to hide here,” he said.  “The UN and Dr. Amazing are all welcome to watch us build the Trump Portal Detector at any time of the day.”

A dozen floors in the Trump Tower have been converted from retail space to the Trump Portal Detector, and every UN inspector says it’s compliant.  “He’s following every mandate,” said inspector Thomas Gundel.  “The walls have been reinforced to sustain the pressure, the iridium is purified, and the whole room is spotless.  And gold.  That’s not really a necessity, but it’s as Mr. Trump wants it.”

Trump expects the Trump Portal Detector to be completed in a couple months.  The White House had no comment.

Donald Trump Claims Obama Is A Clone

By Falco Rockbert

File photo

NEW YORK – Despite all evidence to the contrary, business magnate Donald Trump claimed today that President Obama was a clone.

For months Trump has been questioning the president’s legitimacy as an American citizen.  Last year he sent a team to Hawaii to investigate Obama’s birth certificate, claiming that it was “missing.”  The following week the White House release the president’s long form Certificate of Live Birth from Hawaii, hoping to put the “controversy” to rest.

It stayed alive, of course.  Trump and other birthers had requested on a daily basis to use Dr. Amazing’s time machine to see the president’s birth for themselves.  Eventually, Dr. Amazing relented, and, with the approval from the president with assurances nothing would be altered, he allowed journalists, politicians, and selected civilians to witness Obama’s birth in Honolulu in 1961.  Trump tagged along, footing half of the $10 million to operate the machine.  Most of the time travelers came back satisfied that President Obama was an American citizen (apart from the tragic fate of John Mahoney).  Trump was not.

“This proves nothing,” said Trump in an interview with Fox News.  “All this shows is that Obama was born in Hawaii but not that he is who he says he is.  There’s a lot of time from when he was born to now.  How do we know he isn’t a clone?  We don’t.  In this world of supervillains and weirdoes, we’ve had hundreds of clones.  Even of superheroes.  How do we know the president isn’t a clone of some nefarious party?”

While superheroes have been known to be switched with clones in the past, today they have methods of detecting such things.  Tarantula-Man was infamously switched with a clone over 20 years ago, a saga that wrecked his life.  It took him years to salvage his reputation, but a method to detect clones was discovered by ATOM Labs. 

“This is ludicrous,” said ATOM Labs professor, Sarah McLane.  “We scan every member of Congress, every member of the Supreme Court, and every member of the White House once a week.  There are no clones in Washington.”

Trump was not swayed by this.  “Clearly, they’re in cahoots with the president,” he said.  “Why don’t they let the public see this?  Why is this behind closed doors?  I tried to go in and see it, but they turned me away.  They’re hiding something.”

McLane says that the Clone Detector is available to view on the ATOM Labs tour but confirmed that they turned Trump away.  “We didn’t let him in because he was harassing everybody,” she said.  “This is a place for learning, sharing ideas, expanding human knowledge.  Not browbeating everyone who disagrees with you.”

“Plus, his hair was scaring children.”

Meetings Over; On to Washington

By Stan Hopewell

At 7pm the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting is officially over.  U.S. officials, Peace Force members, and Atlanteans flooded the hall in good spirits.  Adonis, Titana, and the royal couple appeared before the crowd on the balcony, thanking everyone for attending.

“I officially call this year’s meeting to a close,” said Adonis.  “It’s not often that we all get together like this, and I’m honored to have hosted King Morn, Queen Rosn’elia, and their Royal Circle here today.”  He went on to generalize what was said in the meetings but gave no specifics.

King Morn gave a short speech in Atlantean to a jovial response from his Circle and then repeated it, supposedly, in English.  “I know being overland is hard on my people,” he said, “but Adonis and the Peace Force have made our stay a welcomed one.  I thank him and all of you overlanders for your hospitality.”  He and his wife bowed and exited the balcony. 

As for what was discussed, no one was allowed to give specifics.  “These were preliminary meetings to gather facts,” said Senator Saluzzi.  “Any specific deals will be made at Congress and the White House.  But I will say that we did gain ground, so to speak, on some trade deals.”

The Atlanteans filed back into their limousines and left for their ship the M’ranic.  Tomorrow, they will be headed to Washington for a two-day visit with the President.  A wrap-up on today’s meetings will come later tonight.

Birther Denies Own Birth, Ceases to Exist

By Falco Rockbert

Leeds resident, John Mahoney, 43, who denied that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, began to question his own birth and thought himself out of existence.

John had been questioning Obama’s birthplace for years now, according to friends and family, despite evidence that confirmed Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii.  “He just wouldn’t listen,” said Mary Mahoney, his visibly distraught wife.  “It was ridiculous, of course, but John’s a stubborn man.  I didn’t think it would lead to this.”

Mary said she tried to get her husband off this conspiracy theory numerous times.  They examined Obama’s long form birth certificate and local Hawaiian newspapers that announced the president’s birth to no avail.  When Dr. Amazing allowed the one-time trip to 1961 Honolulu for journalists, politicians, and civilians who won a lottery (approved by the president and done by Dr. Amazing to stop the thousands of daily requests to go back to that time), Mary entered their names.  They were selected, and the Mahoneys and a friend went back in time.  “That trip cost us $10,000,” said his friend, Travis Buckner, “and he still didn’t believe it.  I mean, he saw Obama actually being born in Honolulu, and [he] still denied it.”

When they returned home, nothing could persuade John, and that was when Mary and his friends had had enough.  “I can’t remember exactly what was said,” his wife said, “but Travis was livid.  He said something like, ‘Well, how do you know you were born where you said you were?  How do you know you weren’t born in China?’  Then John just got really quiet and took a walk.”

Weeks passed as friends say John was a different person.  “He was quieter than normal,” said his neighbor, Carl Masterson.  “Usually he’s talking your ear off, but he just didn’t talk.  He seemed shaken.”

Mary remembered he took walks alone and stared, blankly, at the TV.  The last few days, he stayed home from work, sick.  He had a fever and vomited and mumbled to himself.  “He said something like, ‘How do I know I’m not Chinese?  I really like Panda Express,’” said Mary.  “I thought he was just having a hard time facing reality, like it was a physical reaction.  I thought he’d get over it eventually, but it just got worse.” 

Last night, John started to violently tremble.  Mary dialed 911, and on the phone recording, John could be heard saying, “I can’t prove that I exist.  Therefore, I don’t exist.”  According to Mary, John seemed to fold in on himself, forming a single dot, and then he was gone with an audible blip.   John Mahoney had thought himself out of existence.

Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs scientists examined the Mahoneys’ residence for clues but found none.  “I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I’ve always respected the power of the human mind, but this is just incredible!  I mean, it’s tragic, of course, but this is just so fascinating.  I have no idea what happened here!”

Mary is staying with her mother in White Valley while the investigation continues.  It’s unknown whether her husband’s life insurance policy covers this as it could be construed as a suicide and therefore ineligible for benefits.

President Obama had no comment.