Twin Cities Become Ghost Towns to Avoid Mouths

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – Several weeks since the giant mouths appeared, the Twin Cities have become ghost towns as residents have left and businesses have shut down.

“It’s just not worth it,” said Starbucks manager, Todd Kemp, whose shop is a mile from the Minneapolis mouth.  “The mouths yell sporadically throughout the day.  There’s just no peace and quiet anymore, and no one is here.  I have bad enough hearing as it is.”

Residents within a 2,000-foot radius of each mouth were ordered to evacuate for their own safety by the National Guard while everyone within a mile radius were strongly encouraged to leave as well.  Most are staying with friends and family in the suburbs or at hotels.  Some towns, and parts of the Twin Cities, are taking in children into their schools for the time being.  Despite the difficulties, some are seeing a silver lining.

“I know they’re shut down, but business is booming here,” said Mary Waller, store manager of Albertsons in Mankato.  “It’s not just my store, but the whole town is getting a boost economically.  Obviously, this is only temporary, but we’ll take it.”

Many of the suburbs are indeed seeing a boost in their local economies, and some businesses are taking in employees from their downtown offices if they can.  “We’re a tough people,” said Mike Jennings, auto technician for Midas in St. Paul and now Woodbury.  “If we can handle Minnesota winters, then we can handle giant mouths screaming at each other.”

Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities have continued their bickering since they became sentient two days ago.  Crowds are gathering around to see the mouths for themselves, but at their own peril.

University of Minnesota scientists and both city police forces have cordoned off several blocks around the mouths, both to monitor their continued bickering and to protect curious residents.  “The decibel levels are typically in the 90s,” said physics Professor John Stockman.  “That’s about as loud as a train whistle or jackhammer, and that’s when they talk at a normal level.  When they yell, it’s up in the 140s, which is as loud as an airplane.  That is very dangerous for human ears.”

Even with the police perimeter, three UM students snuck in to see the Minneapolis mouth.  They threw beer cans into it without reaction.  They continued throwing beer cans, garbage cans, and rocks, but the giant maw didn’t seem to notice.  Then one student began to urinate into it, and that’s when it coughed and yelled.

The sound vibrations caused a minor earthquake in downtown Minneapolis and triggered the St. Paul mouth to laugh hysterically, causing another minor earthquake in St. Paul.  Both were under 4.0 on the Richter scale.  While no property damage was reported, the eardrums of the UM students were completely shattered, and hundreds of residents reported ringing in their ears for several minutes.

The Minneapolis police quickly arrested the three students and expanded their perimeter around the mouth.  “This is really dangerous,” said Minneapolis police chief, Andrew McDaniels, at an impromptu press conference outside the new perimeter.  “These gigantic mouths are nothing to be trifled with.  Please stay behind the perimeter for your own safety.”

When reporters asked follow-up questions, McDaniels asked for them to be repeated several times, forcing everyone to yell for a half hour on the street.

Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul were engulfed in a mysterious yellow light earlier today, and as a result, the Twin Cities became sentient and started to bicker.

Scientists from the University of Minnesota were baffled as to the origin of the yellow light and about its curious effect.  “This is crazy,” biology professor Laura Stern said.  “The cities aren’t living organisms.  They’re inanimate objects, and on top of that, their boundaries are arbitrary.  It’s not like the land between them or the suburbs is different from each other.  How the light transformed the cities into sentient beings makes no sense whatsoever.

“And the mouths they’ve developed in their respective downtowns are just creepy.”

Police and news helicopters have confirmed the existence of giant mouths in each city, both about 400-500 feet in length.  The Minneapolis mouth formed along the Mississippi River in Gold Medal and Mill Ruins Parks, destroying West Park Riverway in the process.  The St. Paul mouth formed along Kellogg Blvd, eating the cars, parking lot, and garage that were originally there.  And then the cities started to bicker.

“I was just out on a jog when I heard this big boom,” said Minneapolis resident, Rob Serling.  “I don’t know how to describe it really, but it just sounded like a big deep boom.  Eventually, I was able to make out that it was English, but it was too loud to understand.”

From a mile away, Minneapolis resident, Joy Wang, was able to understand it, mostly.  “It said something like, ‘You’re a poser, Paulie,’ in an almost sneering voice,” said Joy.  “’I’m where it’s at, and you’re a---something something.’  Then it laughed, and the ground shook.”

Residents in St. Paul were just as confused.  “The mouth growled,” said Denise Black, who was walking to work.  “It was just a growl.  No words.  Then it said something about ‘at least I’m not full of hippies,’ and I couldn’t make out the rest.”

The mayors of both cities and the governor of Minnesota could not be reached for comment at this moment.  The bickering has continued all day, bringing business to a halt.  “I’m just trying to sell my hot dogs,” said Minneapolis food truck vendor, Jack McHanahan of Hot Doggin’ The City.  “I mean, I make my own hot dogs.  They’re organic, local, free range gourmet hot dogs, the best in the state.  How am I supposed to sell anything if I can’t hear people’s orders from the constant bickering?”