MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities have continued their
bickering since they became sentient two days ago. Crowds are gathering around to see the mouths
for themselves, but at their own peril.
University of Minnesota scientists and both city police
forces have cordoned off several blocks around the mouths, both to monitor
their continued bickering and to protect curious residents. “The decibel levels are typically in the
90s,” said physics Professor John Stockman.
“That’s about as loud as a train whistle or jackhammer, and that’s when
they talk at a normal level. When they
yell, it’s up in the 140s, which is as loud as an airplane. That is very dangerous for human ears.”
Even with the police perimeter, three UM students snuck
in to see the Minneapolis mouth. They
threw beer cans into it without reaction.
They continued throwing beer cans, garbage cans, and rocks, but the
giant maw didn’t seem to notice. Then
one student began to urinate into it, and that’s when it coughed and yelled.
The sound vibrations caused a minor earthquake in
downtown Minneapolis and triggered the St. Paul mouth to laugh hysterically,
causing another minor earthquake in St. Paul.
Both were under 4.0 on the Richter scale. While no property damage was reported, the
eardrums of the UM students were completely shattered, and hundreds of
residents reported ringing in their ears for several minutes.
The Minneapolis police quickly arrested the three
students and expanded their perimeter around the mouth. “This is really dangerous,” said Minneapolis
police chief, Andrew McDaniels, at an impromptu press conference outside the new
perimeter. “These gigantic mouths are
nothing to be trifled with. Please stay
behind the perimeter for your own safety.”
When reporters asked follow-up questions, McDaniels asked
for them to be repeated several times, forcing everyone to yell for a half hour
on the street.
