Carterson Residents Destroy Buildings for Fun and Safety

By Buffy Bolivar

Carterson resident, Jilly Hadley, smashes a gargoyle statue while
Tara Target from the Quinton School cheers.

The nanites from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes are still rampaging on the campus as students and faculty have set up a rotating schedule for destroying new buildings as they come.  Now, the residents of Carterson have been invited to help out.

Headmaster Muskrat has offered some residents to opportunity to vent their frustrations of the nanites by letting them destroy buildings alongside the students and faculty.  “This is more fun than I thought it’d be,” said Jill Hadley.  “The lady with the weird face tattoos [faculty member Tara Target] gave me this giant hammer to smash things with.  The hammer isn’t as heavy as it looks, but it still smashes things good.”

“I’ve destroyed 20 gargoyles today!”

Residents have been helping out the school, not just to give the students and faculty a break, but also to help preserve their homes from unwanted gargoyles and spikes.  Members of a local gym have come by, mostly for the exercise.  “I’m all for a full-body workout,” said Jon Anthony.  “Smashing buildings uses every muscle in your body.  It’s great for bodybuilding.”

But some residents aren’t so happy about this.  Mary Landers wouldn’t mind if the nanites came over and helped out her house.  “I wouldn’t mind have a second floor and a garage,” she said.  “Can’t they let a few of them robots come over and remodel my house?  I wouldn’t even mind a few gargoyles.”

Meanwhile, the Muskrat assured residents that Professor Stratosphere was close to a solution to stomp the rampage.

New App Tracks Superheroes

By Julia Crumpleman

A new app, Cape Finder, has hit the market, and it’ll allow users to track sightings of superheroes, supervillains, and other super-powered people and creatures with one tap.

Argon Studios, the developer of Cape Finder, says the app will utilize the phone’s GPS software to pin a map when users see a superhero or supervillain, much like Foursquare does.  “All it’ll take is a tap on your screen,” said lead developer, Chad Markins.  “Then you type in the person’s name or description and hit send.  You’ll go into the map where you can see other users’ pins.”

“You can use this to track supervillains’ movements throughout the city, for instance,” he said.  “Usually, they move in one direction or another, and this can be useful to know where to go in case of emergency.”

But not everyone is so enthusiastic about this app.  Janice Montana, attorney for many superheroes including Titana and the Amazings, said this could undermine her clients’ activities.  “Many superheroes still have secret identities for a reason,” she said.  “If the bad guys knew who they were, they’re going to target their families.  This tracking software could seriously jeopardize their operations if people were to follow them to their homes or underground lairs.”

Markins refuted that concern.  “We’re not using anything that people don’t already have at their fingertips,” he said.  “There are websites set up for this, and people tweet superhero sightings.  It’s out there.  Superheroes have been doing this for decades.  They know what they’re doing.”

Lap-Cat Caught in Paris

By Skip Daverman

2007 photo of Lap-Cat on the lap of a Spanish man in Madrid, days
before his capture on suspicion of espionage.

PARIS, France – The infamous feline superspy Lap-Cat has been caught in Paris while attempting to steal secrets from President François Hollande.  It was not known what he was trying to steal.

Lap-Cat has been on the loose for the past three years.  His last known whereabouts were in Berlin when he tried to infiltrate German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s office when he was shooed away with a broom.  Once the pet of supervillain Herr Gerfahr, Lap-Cat was imbued with superior intelligence in a lab accident by his former owner (then known as Frankenfurter).  After this he left Herr Gerfahr to lead his own life and quickly turned to espionage.

Lap-Cat disarms his targets with his cuteness as he quickly learned humans were susceptible to it.  He invaded the homes of the rich and elite, purring and brushing up against people’s legs.  Eventually, he would jump onto the unsuspecting human’s lap while they were going over some documents or working on their computers.  From here, Lap-Cat could read their documents and sell their secrets.  If lucky, he could download files onto a thumb drive he carried around his collar while the human wasn’t looking.

Catching the feline superspy has been difficult as he can crawl into tight spaces and see in the dark.  He’s been captured once before in Madrid but was released due to a technicality in Spanish law, which didn’t have a stipulation for talking cats.

But with more advanced scanners and better intelligence, all atypical creatures are detected within French government buildings once they enter.  Lap-Cat was caught by French authorities and is currently being held in a secret facility.  Lap-Cat won’t be able to get out like he did in Spain; France made sentient animals a protected class in 2008.

After Android Fails, Mic-D Returns as Clone

By Stan Hopewell

File photo

TIJUANA, Mexico – After rap mogul Gray Matter debuted an android of the late Mic-D last month, many people wondered about the ethics of such a decision.  Now, Gray Matter debuted his late partner as a clone at a concert in Tijuana.

“People were complaining about his jerky movements,” said Gray Matter after the show, “but now he ain’t a robot.  Now he’s a real human being, yo!”

Indeed, the cloned Mic-D’s movements were much more fluid than the android, but most concert-goers did not initially recognize that it wasn’t just an actor playing the part.  “From a hundred feet away, it’s just some dude, you know?” said Janet Mayer, an American who came to Tijuana to see this show.  It was a sentiment carried by most of the audience of 10,000, but afterwards, Gray Matter showed him off the media.

“This is the real deal, my [expletive] [expletive],” he said.  “We’re going to blow this [expletive] up!”

The Mic-D clone seemed overwhelmed by the attention, seeing as he was technically only two months old despite having an adult body.  Gray Matter didn’t allow him to speak or interact with the media and quickly ducked back into their tour bus without taking questions.

One of the questions repeatedly asked was about the moral quandaries of resurrecting a deceased friend for monetary gain without the deceased’s consent.  Concert-goers seemed put off when they learned the news.  “Oh my God, I can’t believe he said that,” said Juanita Hermanos.  “Why can’t they leave the dead alone?  Don’t they know that’s bad luck?”

“What?  No, that was just an actor, right?  No way someone would be so stupid to do that to their friend,” said Carlos Estes.

“Ew,” said Stacy Paul.

There were other lingering questions as well:  Where did the android go?  Where did Gray Matter get the money or genetic material to clone Mic-D?  Did his family consent to it?  And how is he going to tour the U.S., where cloning is illegal?  It’s no coincidence that the cloned Mic-D was debuted in Mexico.  He was likely bred there as well as Mexico has more lenient cloning laws.

Reporters crowded Gray Matter’s tour bus, screaming questions at him.  The bus pulled away, and Gray Matter leaned out the window, flipping everyone off.  The cloned Mic-D did the same but used the wrong fingers.

Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

By Packie Williams

Supervillain Hellena was back in New Romford today, jumping several miles in just a few jumps before being defeated by Titana at Bayland Amusement Park.

Hellena, an alternate timeline version of the superhero Titana, had apparently stolen something from ATOM Labs this morning.  NRPD and ATOM Labs are keeping quiet as to what the item was, but it was small enough to be carried by hand in a metal container.  After stealing the item, Hellena proceeded to jump several stories into the air (as she cannot fly) towards downtown.  She landed first just outside of PFHQ and then in the middle of the New Avenue and 4^th Avenue intersection, causing pile-ups in the dozens in every direction.  Titana flew in from the north and knocked her alternate self into the Bayland Amusement Park.

Witnesses reported that the two Amazonian princesses talked for several minutes before they fought.  They destroyed several small game stands and the carousel before ending up on the Ferris Wheel. 

Hellena’s fighting style was erratic and very limber, according to Diana Price.  “She was doing all these weird backflips and contortions.  She must have a super spine to do this stuff.  And then her breasts flopped out of her costume.”

“I don’t know what world she came from, but superwomen need to support their girls like everyone else.”

Despite her wardrobe malfunction, Hellena proved formidable for several minutes until Titana threw baseballs from a bottle-knock-down game at her.  Eventually, she went down with a fastball to the face.

Titana waited for the NRPD to arrive and arrest Hellena.  She spoke with an office and flew away with the container in hand.

Bayland Amusement Park closed for the rest of the day and indefinitely until repairs can be made.

The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

By Muffy Borgeron

The Bette Midler Show rolled into the Tom Foreman Opera House last night at 7pm and lasted into the early hours of the morning.  Midler’s fans have been getting their money’s worth at her one-woman show across the country thanks to the cybernetic legs she got last year.

“These new legs have been remarkable!” said Midler.  “I could stand on them all day and never get tired.  It’s fantastic!”

On New Year’s Eve in 2004, Midler was caught in anunusual helicopter accident where the aircraft landed on her legs.  Initially, she was left a paraplegic, but last year, she was one of the first citizens to get cybernetic prosthetics.  They are more reliable than normal prosthetics, and they allow the user to sense touch, heat, and cold.  And they never get tired.

The Bette Midler Show has been touring the country for the past two months to rave reviews.  Midler, according to her fans and critics, seems to have more energy onstage.  The song-and-dance production started out in New York as a three-hour show, but it has quickly sprawled out to five hours with Midler chatting with audience members, doing acrobatics, and breaking concrete bricks with her cybernetic legs.

“I’ve never done anything like this,” said Midler, “but I have these robot legs, so I have to give my fans something amazing!”

Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

By Falco Rockbert

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – While continuing to build his Trump Portal Detector, business magnate Donald Trump revealed his “big surprise” about President Obama by attempting to prove he was being mind-controlled using a psychic wave detector.  He only succeeded in causing headaches for every living thing within three miles and receiving a visit from the Secret Service.

Not satisfied with the surmounting evidence that the president was born in Hawaii, Trump first accused Obama of being a clone.  When that didn’t pan out, he hired scientists to build a portal detector to prove Obama was from an alternate dimension.  Impatient, he bought a psychic wave detector from Germany to prove Obama was being mind-controlled.

All results came back negative for everyone within a three-mile radius, including the White House and Congress, but scientists are suggesting Trump bought a substandard device as a proper detector doesn’t cause side effects.  Headaches were felt by every living thing after he activated his device, causing several traffic accidents on roads and highways, mass confusion in animals, and alarms to go off at the Pentagon and White House.  There was a panic of a terrorist attack, but Trump was videotaping himself from his room in the Hay-Adams, overlooking the White House, when it happened.

“With this psychic wave detector,” said Trump on the video, “I can determine if the president is being mind-controlled by Mental-Man or Dr. Brain or whoever [editor’s note:  there are no records that these supervillains exist].  I can ensure the American people that I will get to the bottom of whoever that man is in the White House, once and for all.”  Then, Trump fumbled around with the device and activated it.  He is shown experiencing a headache as soon as it’s turn on.

The video then briefly shows Trump and another man fumbling to turn off the device, and then the video cuts off.  The Secret Service was able to triangulate the position of the device from their command center and promptly arrested Trump.  So far, no major injuries have been reported around D.C. or from the White House, but President Obama did appear from the White House balcony to wave at supporters.  Aides say he was making jokes about it at dinner.

Trump is currently in Secret Service custody along with the psychic wave detector.  No word yet on what charges he may face.