Mysterious Thefts Plague Dukes

By Packie Williams

On the east end of Dukes, residents are mystified about a rash of thefts that have plagued their borough.  From Cloonyn to the University District to Gray Hills, residents are finding their valuables gone with no apparent signs of a break-in.

“I was just checking up on some bonds in my personal safe,” said Cloonyn resident Al Shapiro, “and after I opened it, it was there and then it wasn’t.  I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it was like someone was behind me and took them.”  The NRPD checked for fingerprints or other clues and came up empty.

Similar home thefts were reported in the wealthy neighborhood of August Hills.  At least a dozen residents have lost jewelry, cash, and even gold from their personal safes over the past couple weeks.  What’s even stranger is that their home security cameras show no signs of intruders.  But there appears to be tampering with the camera footage, and only the residents know where their camera’s hard drives are located.

“I keep mine in a secure location,” said Janice Roberts.  “Only me and my husband know where it is, and the password, and he’s been on a business trip in London for the past month.  I’m at my wits’ end trying to figure out how anyone could do this.”

Other than tampered security footage, the police have no leads.  So far there have been 19 reported incidents across Dukes, all following a similar pattern.  Residents are urged to keep track of their valuables on a daily basis, invest in motion sensors, and if necessary, hide their valuables someplace where only they can access.

Muskrat Reopens the Quinton School for Young Superheroes

By Buffy Bolivar

File photo

The infamous Quinton School for Young Superheroes is reopening tomorrow just outside of Carterson after being blown up in a tremendous superhuman battle seven years ago.  But this time, the Headmaster is the Muskrat.

“People keep asking me if this is real,” the Muskrat said, “and yes, it is.  I know folks don’t think of me as a teacher, but the world needs a place like this for youngsters to go to learn how to be superheroes.  So I just dove in headfirst.”

The Muskrat, whose real name is unknown, was hardly the first person to think of reopening the school.  Former student, Jed Lankins, a.k.a. Red Eye, tried to reopen it four years ago but ran into legal troubles with the original headmaster Professor George Quinton.  They reportedly had a falling-out, and Quinton refused Lankins’s request.  But the Muskrat was able to convince Quinton to let him reopen the school, and after a few months of construction, it is starting classes tomorrow.

The campus has been a mess ever since it blew up due to the Mon-Star crash landing in the courtyard from space.  He eventually was beaten by Lankins, the Muskrat, and the rest of the students, but not before claiming several casualties.  This was the fourteenth time the campus had been destroyed in some manner in the school’s storied history.

The Muskrat believes that this time the school can survive without being blown up.  “It’s going to be tough, sure,” he said.  “But I’m going to learn from the past and upgrade some things that were horribly wide open to destruction.  The main thing is having a safe place for kids to learn how to use their powers.”

As for how he plans on fitting in his Headmaster duties with his time in the Peace Force, the ATOM Squad, and all of his personal missions, the Muskrat said, “I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember.  I think I can fit it in just fine.”

Birther Denies Own Birth, Ceases to Exist

By Falco Rockbert

Leeds resident, John Mahoney, 43, who denied that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, began to question his own birth and thought himself out of existence.

John had been questioning Obama’s birthplace for years now, according to friends and family, despite evidence that confirmed Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii.  “He just wouldn’t listen,” said Mary Mahoney, his visibly distraught wife.  “It was ridiculous, of course, but John’s a stubborn man.  I didn’t think it would lead to this.”

Mary said she tried to get her husband off this conspiracy theory numerous times.  They examined Obama’s long form birth certificate and local Hawaiian newspapers that announced the president’s birth to no avail.  When Dr. Amazing allowed the one-time trip to 1961 Honolulu for journalists, politicians, and civilians who won a lottery (approved by the president and done by Dr. Amazing to stop the thousands of daily requests to go back to that time), Mary entered their names.  They were selected, and the Mahoneys and a friend went back in time.  “That trip cost us $10,000,” said his friend, Travis Buckner, “and he still didn’t believe it.  I mean, he saw Obama actually being born in Honolulu, and [he] still denied it.”

When they returned home, nothing could persuade John, and that was when Mary and his friends had had enough.  “I can’t remember exactly what was said,” his wife said, “but Travis was livid.  He said something like, ‘Well, how do you know you were born where you said you were?  How do you know you weren’t born in China?’  Then John just got really quiet and took a walk.”

Weeks passed as friends say John was a different person.  “He was quieter than normal,” said his neighbor, Carl Masterson.  “Usually he’s talking your ear off, but he just didn’t talk.  He seemed shaken.”

Mary remembered he took walks alone and stared, blankly, at the TV.  The last few days, he stayed home from work, sick.  He had a fever and vomited and mumbled to himself.  “He said something like, ‘How do I know I’m not Chinese?  I really like Panda Express,’” said Mary.  “I thought he was just having a hard time facing reality, like it was a physical reaction.  I thought he’d get over it eventually, but it just got worse.” 

Last night, John started to violently tremble.  Mary dialed 911, and on the phone recording, John could be heard saying, “I can’t prove that I exist.  Therefore, I don’t exist.”  According to Mary, John seemed to fold in on himself, forming a single dot, and then he was gone with an audible blip.   John Mahoney had thought himself out of existence.

Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs scientists examined the Mahoneys’ residence for clues but found none.  “I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I’ve always respected the power of the human mind, but this is just incredible!  I mean, it’s tragic, of course, but this is just so fascinating.  I have no idea what happened here!”

Mary is staying with her mother in White Valley while the investigation continues.  It’s unknown whether her husband’s life insurance policy covers this as it could be construed as a suicide and therefore ineligible for benefits.

President Obama had no comment.

Speedster In Town

By Chase Chapley

Speedster

Speedster is back in town, and citizens are bracing for a reckless time.  The Fastest Woman in the Galaxy has a history of reckless behavior while visiting New Romford.  Last year, she was responsible for a 300-car pileup on interstate highways 88 and 188 while chasing The Dinosaur Queen.

But it’s the little things that cause New Romforders to squirm.  “She’s just so fast that I don’t think she knows where she’s going half the time,” said Sussex resident Joanna Hull.  “She zipped right down my street and knocked off the side mirror off my car.  Didn’t even blink.  She just kept on going.”

Frenchtown resident, Marlin Byrd, had a similar encounter three years ago.  “I was mowing my lawn when she ran across,” he said.  “She ran so fast, she dug her feet into my front yard.  There were these huge divots in there, nearly a foot deep.  She just ruined my front yard without even thinking about it.”

While Speedster is a headache for some, she still has plenty of fans in New Romford.  Zack Holmes heads the local Speedster fan club and always sees a spike in excitement when she pops up.  “Sure, she gets a little reckless at times,” he said, “but we’re seeing one of the all-time greats here.  We have Adonis and the Amazings here everyday, but none of them are like Speedster.  She’s done so many awesome things that defy the laws of physics.  It’s truly remarkable!”

Regardless of who you ask, one thing is unanimous:  make sure you’re current on your insurance.

Giant Glowing Asteroid Lands Safely In Russia

By Skip Daverman

MOSCOW – A giant asteroid landed safely 30 miles outside of Moscow today thanks to the efforts of Russian superhero, Ural.

The asteroid, estimated at least a mile in diameter, was headed towards the heart of Russia today.  Ural flew into space to try and divert the rock but was unable to do so.  He was able to slow the rock’s speed enough to land it safely on the ground with a minimal crater.  Russian authorities rushed to the scene as the asteroid’s outer shell began to crack.  And then it glowed.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Ural.  “Asteroids don’t glow like this.  At first I thought it was just the heat from flying through the atmosphere, but it’s been an hour.  The rock is cooled.  This cannot be good.”

Russian authorities cleared the area as best as possible while Ural and a team of scientists monitored the asteroid.  One scientist expected a long night.

Atlantis-Peace Force Meeting Set for Tomorrow

By Stan Hopewell

King Morn A'Ganor

The final touches are being made at the Peace Force Headquarters today as the annual Atlantis-Peace Force Meeting will take place all day tomorrow.  Members of Congress and the State Department have arrived in New Romford, and the majority of the Peace Force has been seen in and around the PFHQ.

Adonis, leader of the Peace Force, is hoping that the meetings will be productive.  “King Morn A’Ganor and I go way back, so hopefully that means we can move forward on a lot of issues,” he said.  “Considering what happened last year, there can’t be much worse that could happen.”

Last year’s meeting was infamous for the brawl between King Morn’s army and the Peace Force which blew several holes through PFHQ.  The fight spilled outside before eventually ending in Winston Bay when it was discovered that the King and his army were being mind-controlled by the supervillain, Mind Master.  Reportedly, he was trying to impress Jodie Foster.  The meeting ended before it even got started, and no issues were discussed.

This year, barring any mind-controlled fights, the topics will be centered around water pollution levels, particularly the oil spills in the Gulf Region, trade routes, and the possibility of an underwater highway from New Romford to Atlantis.  Pollution levels and trade routes have been a staple of these meetings ever since the first one took place over 40 years ago, but the proposed Atlantis Underway is a new topic that will surely get a lot of talk tomorrow.

“In theory it sounds like a great idea,” said Senator Mike Saluzzi.  “It’d be like the Chunnel between England and France, and it’d be a direct path to trade with the Atlanteans, and a lot better than the way we currently do it [which is a series of “drop-up” points where barges are tied to balloons inflated with air pumped from the surface].  I mean, we could just send a train down there and back without having to worry about the conditions above the water.  But of course, this would be an enormous project.  There are so many details that need to be ironed out.”

Still, Saluzzi and other U.S. officials sounded optimistic going into the meetings.  The Atlanteans are expected to arrive in the morning.

Ask Julia: Moving to New Romford

By Julia Crumpleman

Today’s question comes from Nora:

Dear Julia, my husband and I just moved into our new home here in New Romford, the Norwoods borough, specifically Holland.  We’ve done a lot of research on our own about the big city, but we hardly ever get superheroes in Indiana.  What should we do to protect ourselves and our home?  Thanks!

Nora, let me be the first to welcome you to New Romford!  Moving here is a big adjustment for most people, so there may be a little culture shock at first.  While we’ll get supervillains, space aliens, and the occasional visit from Atlantis (which happens tomorrow by the way—steer clear of downtown) or some other non-human contingent, the eye candy should smooth over any worries you may have.

Thankfully, Holland is a peaceful neighborhood as far as superhuman activity goes.  Most of that stuff happens downtown, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t remain vigilant.  Obviously, lock your doors, always carry a cell phone, and be aware of your surroundings.  You never know when a rampaging Vandal from the 5^th century or a rock creature from the Blue Lagoon might appear.  This happens more frequently than you may think.

Your first order of business should be to get superhuman insurance.  This is a separate policy that you’ll need to buy as most insurance companies don’t provide coverage (think of it like flood insurance).  There are several superhuman insurance companies in New Romford, so pick the one that’s right for you.  Trust me, you’ll be glad to have it when Adonis or Titana uses your car to bludgeon Binaro into submission.  On the subject of Adonis, please only yell for help when you really need it.  He can hear your screams from anywhere in the city, and he is a very busy superhero.

The unfortunate truth is that there isn’t much you can do to protect yourself, your husband, or your home.  Most superhumans are powerful enough to bust through steel walls, and I doubt your house is made of titanium.  The best thing that you can do is to be prepared and go about your day.  Most New Romforders never see a battle in person, anyway. 

But keep a suitcase filled with clothes, water, food, and supplies that you can grab at a moment’s notice in your home or car just in case you have to flee from an alien invasion or some such thing.

Welcome to New Romford!

Adonis Saves Michelle Meyers…Again

By Falco Rockbert

Intrepid reporter, Michelle Meyers, was saved, yet again, from the Master of Disaster while investigating a story in the Warehouse District.  This was the third time Meyers has been saved by Adonis this month.

The Master of Disaster was purportedly stealing ATOM Lab technology when he and his crew spotted Meyers snooping around the area.  She was captured by the MoD and tied up over a trash compactor, seemingly about to fall to her death.  Naturally, Adonis swooped in to save her at the last minute and took care of the MoD and his crew.  No one could offer an explanation why no one shot Meyers with their guns when they found her.

Adonis and Meyers waited for the police to show up.  “I think Ms. Meyers has had enough excitement for one day,” said Adonis as he flew away with the reporter in his arms.  Meyers refused to comment.

This incident continues the long, storied history between Adonis and Meyers.  Getting into trouble, only to be saved by New Romford’s Favorite Son, is a regular occurrence.  So far, this marks the twenty-eighth save.