Speedster Zips Through Downtown, Leaves Wave of Destruction

By Chase Chapley

File photo

On her way out of New Romford this morning, Speedster left her usual wave of destruction down 21^st Street as cars slammed into each other trying to avoid her quick movements.

On First Avenue, Jonathan Hu veered off the side of the road into a light post.  “She just came out of nowhere,” he said.  “She was running so fast that all I could do was swerve, but I hit the damn post because of her.”  Hu was at least thankful he didn’t hurt anyone.

On Second Avenue, Michael Watt hit the rear bumper of the truck in front of him as Speedster zipped right past him.  “I was drinking my coffee,” he said, “when she just flew by.  Must’ve been going 200 miles an hour.  I spilled my coffee in my lap when she flew by, and I got distracted and just hit the truck in front of me.”

On Third Avenue, Ida Noh had a similar story.  She was riding her bicycle when Speedster ran by.  “She was just so fast,” she said.  “I was crossing the street, and there was a car starting to turn, waiting for me, and then there she was.  She ran by and one car rear-ended another and bumped the car into me.  Then, I look down the street and everyone’s getting into accidents.”  Noh says she only experienced minor scraps, but she just can’t understand why Speedster won’t slow down.  “I mean, we got speed limits on the roads for a reason.  Why can’t she follow them?

“I thought she was a hero.”

Speedster turned onto Seventh Avenue at the YMCA, causing several more minor car accidents, before merging onto Eighth Avenue, causing Bea Caws to slam into a fire hydrant.  “I hate superheroes!” she said.  “Just get out of the damn city already and leave us alone.  This is the fifth accident I’ve had this month all thanks to so-called superheroes!”

Tom Morrow and Todd Hay were sitting at the Shortstop Café to get a front row seat at the spectacle.  “We came down here for a light lunch like we always do,” Morrow said, “because there’s usually something exciting happening downtown.  And Speedster is just so much fun to watch, too!  I know people get into accidents, and that’s not fun for them, but as a spectator, we just love it!”

Their waiter, who didn’t provide his name, was asked about the accidents and said, “I don’t care.”

PF-Atlantis Meeting Wrap-up

By Stan Hopewell

File photo:  King Morn

As the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting wrapped up tonight, a few more details have started to emerge.

First, Speedster eventually made it to the meetings, but no one saw her enter.  From all accounts, she was fidgeting when she did sit down, which distracted everyone, human and Atlantean alike.  She was asked to leave by a Peace Force member, and she did.  Again, no one saw her exit.

Second, the levels of pollution the Atlanteans wanted were, naturally, very low compared to the U.S. numbers.  The Atlanteans felt that the U.S. was going back on their word to reduce water pollution levels to 3% by 2020, and they were also still upset about last year’s oil spills that destroyed their kelp farms and marlin hunting waters.  The U.S. officials maintained that was an aberration and that they will continue to lower their pollution levels.

Third, most intriguingly, an alternative was being proposed to the Atlantis Underway.  The plan to build a 1,500 mile underwater highway and/or high-speed rail line didn’t garner much attraction from the U.S. due to its high cost.  The Atlanteans were, by and large, not too fond of the idea either.  Instead, another project, the Atlantis Elevator, garnered more interest as it would cost considerably less money to build.  Essentially, it would be a giant freight elevator built from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to sea level about halfway in between Atlantis and the eastern seaboard.  Freight ships would sail to the elevator which would essentially be a port for the exchange of cargo.  Whether or not the White House goes for the idea is unknown.

No matter what happens in Washington, attendees came away feeling productive.  Next year’s meeting is already being planned as a two-day event.

Donald Trump Claims Obama Is A Clone

By Falco Rockbert

File photo

NEW YORK – Despite all evidence to the contrary, business magnate Donald Trump claimed today that President Obama was a clone.

For months Trump has been questioning the president’s legitimacy as an American citizen.  Last year he sent a team to Hawaii to investigate Obama’s birth certificate, claiming that it was “missing.”  The following week the White House release the president’s long form Certificate of Live Birth from Hawaii, hoping to put the “controversy” to rest.

It stayed alive, of course.  Trump and other birthers had requested on a daily basis to use Dr. Amazing’s time machine to see the president’s birth for themselves.  Eventually, Dr. Amazing relented, and, with the approval from the president with assurances nothing would be altered, he allowed journalists, politicians, and selected civilians to witness Obama’s birth in Honolulu in 1961.  Trump tagged along, footing half of the $10 million to operate the machine.  Most of the time travelers came back satisfied that President Obama was an American citizen (apart from the tragic fate of John Mahoney).  Trump was not.

“This proves nothing,” said Trump in an interview with Fox News.  “All this shows is that Obama was born in Hawaii but not that he is who he says he is.  There’s a lot of time from when he was born to now.  How do we know he isn’t a clone?  We don’t.  In this world of supervillains and weirdoes, we’ve had hundreds of clones.  Even of superheroes.  How do we know the president isn’t a clone of some nefarious party?”

While superheroes have been known to be switched with clones in the past, today they have methods of detecting such things.  Tarantula-Man was infamously switched with a clone over 20 years ago, a saga that wrecked his life.  It took him years to salvage his reputation, but a method to detect clones was discovered by ATOM Labs. 

“This is ludicrous,” said ATOM Labs professor, Sarah McLane.  “We scan every member of Congress, every member of the Supreme Court, and every member of the White House once a week.  There are no clones in Washington.”

Trump was not swayed by this.  “Clearly, they’re in cahoots with the president,” he said.  “Why don’t they let the public see this?  Why is this behind closed doors?  I tried to go in and see it, but they turned me away.  They’re hiding something.”

McLane says that the Clone Detector is available to view on the ATOM Labs tour but confirmed that they turned Trump away.  “We didn’t let him in because he was harassing everybody,” she said.  “This is a place for learning, sharing ideas, expanding human knowledge.  Not browbeating everyone who disagrees with you.”

“Plus, his hair was scaring children.”

Meetings Over; On to Washington

By Stan Hopewell

At 7pm the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting is officially over.  U.S. officials, Peace Force members, and Atlanteans flooded the hall in good spirits.  Adonis, Titana, and the royal couple appeared before the crowd on the balcony, thanking everyone for attending.

“I officially call this year’s meeting to a close,” said Adonis.  “It’s not often that we all get together like this, and I’m honored to have hosted King Morn, Queen Rosn’elia, and their Royal Circle here today.”  He went on to generalize what was said in the meetings but gave no specifics.

King Morn gave a short speech in Atlantean to a jovial response from his Circle and then repeated it, supposedly, in English.  “I know being overland is hard on my people,” he said, “but Adonis and the Peace Force have made our stay a welcomed one.  I thank him and all of you overlanders for your hospitality.”  He and his wife bowed and exited the balcony. 

As for what was discussed, no one was allowed to give specifics.  “These were preliminary meetings to gather facts,” said Senator Saluzzi.  “Any specific deals will be made at Congress and the White House.  But I will say that we did gain ground, so to speak, on some trade deals.”

The Atlanteans filed back into their limousines and left for their ship the M’ranic.  Tomorrow, they will be headed to Washington for a two-day visit with the President.  A wrap-up on today’s meetings will come later tonight.

Alligator Skin Outbreak in the Heights

By Muffy Borgeron

Professor Alan Guinness

An outbreak of alligator skin has spread throughout the Heights in the past week, and residents are advised to get vaccinated.

Alligator skin was a relatively benign disease that sprang up in the 70’s when New Romford University professor, Alan Guinness, was attempting to regenerate body parts in humans using reptilian DNA.  His experiments backfired when he was turned into an anthropomorphic alligator.  Initially, he ravaged NRU campus before being stopped by the Tarantula-Man and Dr. Amazing.  Dubbed “The Gator,” Guinness was able to regain control of his feral instincts but not his human form.  But his rampage spread the disease alligator skin, which slowly transforms a human’s skin into rough alligator-type skin but doesn’t transform them into rampaging lizard monsters.

“I thought I had eradicated this disease years ago,” said Professor Alan Guinness, who still teaches biology at NRU.  “Dr. Amazing and I created a vaccine for it, and it was seemingly gone by the 90’s.  It became just another vaccine for children to get along with measles, mumps, and dragon pox.  But then people thought they contributed to autism, and now look where we are.

“Turning into an alligator is what you get for not vaccinating your children.”

Indeed, most of the cases have been reported in children under the age of twelve.  Health officials are trying to treat the disease as best they can but say that the best defense is prevention.  Guinness and his students have been creating new batches of the vaccine non-stop all week.

Lightning Bug Arrested; Meetings Back to Business

By Stan Hopewell

Reports are coming in that Speedster has apprehended the Lightning Bug and turned him over to the NRPD.  While no Peace Force members or Atlanteans seemed worried about it, attendees couldn’t help but think of last year’s incident with the Mind Master.

Regardless, the attendees took a break from the meetings during the incident just to be sure.  “Well, we got to a certain point in the talks when the news broke about Speedster,” said Senator Holloway.  “I was here last year for the meetings, and everyone, American and Atlantean, started looking at each other a little strangely.  But taking a break certainly helped ease any worries.”

As for progress made, no one was willing to say much.  “We made progress, sure,” said Senator Saluzzi.  “Things got stalled by the news, but I think we’re going to make progress on trade routes.”  Saluzzi couldn’t confirm if talks on the proposed Atlantis Underway had started.

With Lightning Bug in police custody, the break ended, and attendees returned to their meetings.  Not much was said, but rumors are popping up about an alternative to the Underway.  More information when it becomes available.

Asteroid Glows and Grows

By Skip Daverman

MOSCOW – The asteroid that landed outside of Moscow is still glowing, and now it’s growing.

Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have kept watch of the asteroid since yesterday.  They were measuring a constant heat signature emanating from within the rock when they noticed that it was getting bigger.  The scientists have not been allowed to comment, but Ural said, “It has grown nearly 200 meters overnight.  A remarkable, and unsettling, growth has occurred.”

Authorities have been spending the majority of their time keeping the curious away from the scene, which is difficult to do considering the size of the asteroid.  Crowds have gathered on hilltops with telescopes to see the rock for themselves.  The glow was even enough to light up the night sky.  Some residents reported strange dreams of outer space, saying they’ve seen star systems not visible from Earth.

Scientists have been unable to determine the source of the heat signature or the growth or whether they have any relation to the dreams.  So far, they’ve only ruled out nuclear radiation as a possible cause, but they are proceeding with caution in case other types of radiation are involved.

Speedster Captures Lightning Bug

By Chase Chapley

Speedster tore through East Town today in pursuit of Lightning Bug, who is one of Speedster’s supervillains from New York.  He is suspected of causing the explosion at the Verzatt Apartments yesterday.

The chase went up Main Street and veered off into the winding streets of East Town before culminating on the Milton Street exit on I-188.  It was a mixture of lightning, mutated insects, and super speed which ended in a small tornado generated by Speedster.  The high wind speeds disrupted Lightning Bug’s mechanical wings, and he fell to the ground, knocking him unconscious.

The NRPD apprehended Lightning Bug and thanked Speedster for her help.  She began to say “You’re Welcome” when she ran off down 188.  The chase left a few people injured and many more cars and buildings damaged.

The NRPD has released very few details as to what Lightning Bug was doing in New Romford.  He had been on the loose for several months and had usually been a hired hand in bank heists.  No bank robberies have occurred in New Romford in over a year.  Lightning Bug is not believed to have any associates in New Romford, but he may have been looking to make connections.

Residents are advised to find an alternate route while the NRPD and ATOM Labs scrub the insect guts off the highway.

'Reboot Man' Denied Entrance to Meetings

By Stan Hopewell

File photo:  Denver as North-Star

The superhero dubbed “Reboot Man” by the press tried to gain entrance to the Atlantis-Peace Force Meetings but was turned away due to lack of clearance.

Ray Denver, known as “Reboot Man” for his numerous identity changes over the past few years, started his superhero career as Star-Man.  He gained the powers of flight, super-strength, energy blasts, and energy manipulation from a pulsar while exploring Alpha Centauri.  This identity only lasted three months before the original Star-Man, Dan Stewart, spoke out against him using his old moniker.

Denver relinquished his first identity and took up the name of North-Star, a name and costume inspired by the star Polaris.  He enjoyed a rather successful career in this guise and joined the Peace Force.  But this identity came to an end eight months later when he died fighting the Sparlox in deep space.

Somehow, Denver was resurrected several months later in an explosion above the moon, which no one has been able to fully explain.  This time his powers included teleportation, and he became Portal-Man.  Unfortunately, one month later, he accidentally teleported himself into the bedrock below the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.

Then, Denver absorbed the rocks to become Rock-Man, whose rock-based powers lasted only four months after he was caught in a mudslide in California and dissolved into the Sacramento River.  Five months later, he had absorbed the mud and clay from the river and can now apparently shapeshift.  He calls himself Clayman, and no one at Peace Force Headquarters recognizes him.

“I’m a member,” he said.  “They know me.  I’ve fought side-by-side with them.  I even shapeshifted into my North-Star body and let them scan my mind.  They know I’m telling the truth.”

Denver seemed depressed leaving the building.  He expressed how he thought he was dead in the Sacramento River and tried to convey how terrifying it was to become mud and clay.  According to him, it was a dark, wet experience that made him feel helpless.  Once he gained control of his newfound abilities, he turned into an eagle and flew across the country.  Denver acknowledged how often he’s changed identities and powers, holding back mud tears, but said it’s out of his control.  “How many of them control how they got their powers?” he said.  “How many of them have had reboots?  If it weren’t for one dumb thing or another, half of them wouldn’t even be in there.”

Clayman, as he preferred to be called, left PFHQ in disgust.  When asked about a former member being turned away, Cloudwalker said, “He’s a shapeshifter.  After what happened last year, a creepy shapeshifter is the last thing we need.”