By Dash Hamley
CHICAGO – The infamous Wrigley Field ivy, which has
beautified the stadium for decades, has apparently turned against the Chicago
Cubs.
Last night, the Cubs were hosting the Houston Astros when
outfielder Fernando Martinez hit a ball towards right field. Cubs right fielder, David DeJesus, ran back
to catch it when the ivy batted the ball away from his glove. “At first, I thought it just hit the tip of
my glove,” DeJesus said. “But then the
fans started yelling something about the ivy.
I thought they were crazy.”
Instant replay showed the ivy’s interference, but nothing
was called on the play. The next inning,
Cubs center fielder, Brett Jackson went to grab the ball as it bounced into the
ivy, but he couldn’t pull it out. “It
was like the ivy had just grabbed it,” Jackson said. “By the time I pried it out, the runner was
already to third.”
By then, manager Dale Sveum went to talk to the
umpires. A short argument ensued, but no
one was sure what had happened. By the
seventh inning, it was clear that the ivy was actively sabotaging the Cubs when
it tripped both Jackson and left fielder Alfonso Soriano. Play was suspended, and the ivy gave a deep,
bellowing laugh.
When asked about its apparent sentience, it said, “I’ve
always been awake. How is my
secret.” As for its behavior, the ivy
just said, “This team is pathetic and awful.
You try watching this double-A squad play ‘baseball’ for a hundred
years.” Here, the ivy formed hands so it
could form air quotation marks.
Major League Baseball and the Cubs are looking into what
to do with the ivy, but since the Cubs only have two more games, and neither
team is in playoff contention, they may just cancel the final games. The ivy reportedly laughed into the night.
