NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

By Packie Williams

The NRPD have determined that Hellena stole an undisclosed item from ATOM Labs yesterday with the purpose of restoring her timeline.  And she likely caused the déjàvu that many people felt as well.

Hellena is the evil alternate timeline version of superhero Titana, who was brought to our timeline during one of Titana’s adventures.  The circumstances of that adventure have never been fully disclosed to the public.  But Hellena, who sacrificed herself to Hades to save the Amazons from Napoleon and turned evil as a result, has been a fixture in our timeline for the past eight years nonetheless.

The item stolen from ATOM Labs may’ve been activated inside the labs by Hellena or one of her associates, who were seen but not apprehended.  A source within the NRPD has indicated that the déjà vu experienced around the world was likely caused by Hellena trying to restore her timeline in the past.  So far all indications are preliminary, but given Hellena’s continued quest to return to her timeline, it’s a safe bet she was behind it.

No one at ATOM Labs is confirming the suspicions, and Dr. Amazing, a co-founder of ATOM Labs, has not spoken since the incident.  Hellena is currently being held in Granite Prison in a depowering room.

Mysterious Thefts Continue

By Packie Williams

The mysterious thefts that have plagued eastern Dukes for the past two weeks has continued with an apparent new twist:  residents’ bank accounts.

August Hills resident, Jerry Minor, went to his bank and cashed his savings account in excess of $12,000.  Security cameras show him entering the WinMac branch on 19^th Avenue, alone, and leaving with two suitcases full of money.  But Minor has no memory of this nor of where the money went.

“I thought I was going crazy,” he said.  “I was checking my account online and saw the withdrawal.  Needless to say, I was shocked and immediately called the bank.  When they said I came in and withdrew the money, I thought it was some sort of joke, but then I saw the video.  I swear, I do not remember this.”

Minor’s account was the first of three separate incidents, all residents of the wealthy August Hills neighborhood.  Selma Negras reported withdrawing $8,000, and Charles Tobin reported withdrawing $9,000.  Both did not remember a thing.

The NRPD has told all banks to be suspicious of any suspicious withdrawals, even if it’s made by the owner of the accounts.  Police Commissioner Trombeau advised all New Romford residents to keep an eye on their money and valuables during the investigation.  When asked if a superhuman could be behind this, he said, “I wouldn’t rule it out.”

Twin Cities Become Ghost Towns to Avoid Mouths

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – Several weeks since the giant mouths appeared, the Twin Cities have become ghost towns as residents have left and businesses have shut down.

“It’s just not worth it,” said Starbucks manager, Todd Kemp, whose shop is a mile from the Minneapolis mouth.  “The mouths yell sporadically throughout the day.  There’s just no peace and quiet anymore, and no one is here.  I have bad enough hearing as it is.”

Residents within a 2,000-foot radius of each mouth were ordered to evacuate for their own safety by the National Guard while everyone within a mile radius were strongly encouraged to leave as well.  Most are staying with friends and family in the suburbs or at hotels.  Some towns, and parts of the Twin Cities, are taking in children into their schools for the time being.  Despite the difficulties, some are seeing a silver lining.

“I know they’re shut down, but business is booming here,” said Mary Waller, store manager of Albertsons in Mankato.  “It’s not just my store, but the whole town is getting a boost economically.  Obviously, this is only temporary, but we’ll take it.”

Many of the suburbs are indeed seeing a boost in their local economies, and some businesses are taking in employees from their downtown offices if they can.  “We’re a tough people,” said Mike Jennings, auto technician for Midas in St. Paul and now Woodbury.  “If we can handle Minnesota winters, then we can handle giant mouths screaming at each other.”

Michelle Meyers Rescued Again by Adonis

By Falco Rockbert

File photo of Adonis
saving Meyers.

Michelle Meyers was taken hostage by the supervillain Keymaster last night and was rescued, yet again, by Adonis.

Details of the incident are still sketchy, but Meyers, reporter for the New Romford Sentinel, was at her desk writing a story on a white collar crime ring in the Gramercy Tower.  The story alleges several high level bankers and hedge fund managers were embezzling money and funneling it to various supervillian organizations.  Keymaster, using his mastery of keys, snuck into the Sentinel’s offices and abducted Meyers.

Keymaster took Meyers to the top of Gramercy Tower, 14 blocks away, and held her over the edge of the building.  Despite having a sword and a pair of daggers at his disposal, Keymaster dropped Meyers, allowing her to plummet towards the ground.

Adonis saved her, of course, and quickly defeated Keymaster with his laser vision.  Why Keymaster decided to dispose of Meyers by falling rather than by his blades could not be determined, but Meyers was grateful for the save nonetheless.  “I guess I just get caught by the dumb supervillains,” she said.  “Now I got a story to write.”

Adonis would not comment on the matter.  This marks his twenty-ninth save of Meyers.

Carterson Residents Destroy Buildings for Fun and Safety

By Buffy Bolivar

Carterson resident, Jilly Hadley, smashes a gargoyle statue while
Tara Target from the Quinton School cheers.

The nanites from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes are still rampaging on the campus as students and faculty have set up a rotating schedule for destroying new buildings as they come.  Now, the residents of Carterson have been invited to help out.

Headmaster Muskrat has offered some residents to opportunity to vent their frustrations of the nanites by letting them destroy buildings alongside the students and faculty.  “This is more fun than I thought it’d be,” said Jill Hadley.  “The lady with the weird face tattoos [faculty member Tara Target] gave me this giant hammer to smash things with.  The hammer isn’t as heavy as it looks, but it still smashes things good.”

“I’ve destroyed 20 gargoyles today!”

Residents have been helping out the school, not just to give the students and faculty a break, but also to help preserve their homes from unwanted gargoyles and spikes.  Members of a local gym have come by, mostly for the exercise.  “I’m all for a full-body workout,” said Jon Anthony.  “Smashing buildings uses every muscle in your body.  It’s great for bodybuilding.”

But some residents aren’t so happy about this.  Mary Landers wouldn’t mind if the nanites came over and helped out her house.  “I wouldn’t mind have a second floor and a garage,” she said.  “Can’t they let a few of them robots come over and remodel my house?  I wouldn’t even mind a few gargoyles.”

Meanwhile, the Muskrat assured residents that Professor Stratosphere was close to a solution to stomp the rampage.

New App Tracks Superheroes

By Julia Crumpleman

A new app, Cape Finder, has hit the market, and it’ll allow users to track sightings of superheroes, supervillains, and other super-powered people and creatures with one tap.

Argon Studios, the developer of Cape Finder, says the app will utilize the phone’s GPS software to pin a map when users see a superhero or supervillain, much like Foursquare does.  “All it’ll take is a tap on your screen,” said lead developer, Chad Markins.  “Then you type in the person’s name or description and hit send.  You’ll go into the map where you can see other users’ pins.”

“You can use this to track supervillains’ movements throughout the city, for instance,” he said.  “Usually, they move in one direction or another, and this can be useful to know where to go in case of emergency.”

But not everyone is so enthusiastic about this app.  Janice Montana, attorney for many superheroes including Titana and the Amazings, said this could undermine her clients’ activities.  “Many superheroes still have secret identities for a reason,” she said.  “If the bad guys knew who they were, they’re going to target their families.  This tracking software could seriously jeopardize their operations if people were to follow them to their homes or underground lairs.”

Markins refuted that concern.  “We’re not using anything that people don’t already have at their fingertips,” he said.  “There are websites set up for this, and people tweet superhero sightings.  It’s out there.  Superheroes have been doing this for decades.  They know what they’re doing.”

Lap-Cat Caught in Paris

By Skip Daverman

2007 photo of Lap-Cat on the lap of a Spanish man in Madrid, days
before his capture on suspicion of espionage.

PARIS, France – The infamous feline superspy Lap-Cat has been caught in Paris while attempting to steal secrets from President François Hollande.  It was not known what he was trying to steal.

Lap-Cat has been on the loose for the past three years.  His last known whereabouts were in Berlin when he tried to infiltrate German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s office when he was shooed away with a broom.  Once the pet of supervillain Herr Gerfahr, Lap-Cat was imbued with superior intelligence in a lab accident by his former owner (then known as Frankenfurter).  After this he left Herr Gerfahr to lead his own life and quickly turned to espionage.

Lap-Cat disarms his targets with his cuteness as he quickly learned humans were susceptible to it.  He invaded the homes of the rich and elite, purring and brushing up against people’s legs.  Eventually, he would jump onto the unsuspecting human’s lap while they were going over some documents or working on their computers.  From here, Lap-Cat could read their documents and sell their secrets.  If lucky, he could download files onto a thumb drive he carried around his collar while the human wasn’t looking.

Catching the feline superspy has been difficult as he can crawl into tight spaces and see in the dark.  He’s been captured once before in Madrid but was released due to a technicality in Spanish law, which didn’t have a stipulation for talking cats.

But with more advanced scanners and better intelligence, all atypical creatures are detected within French government buildings once they enter.  Lap-Cat was caught by French authorities and is currently being held in a secret facility.  Lap-Cat won’t be able to get out like he did in Spain; France made sentient animals a protected class in 2008.

After Android Fails, Mic-D Returns as Clone

By Stan Hopewell

File photo

TIJUANA, Mexico – After rap mogul Gray Matter debuted an android of the late Mic-D last month, many people wondered about the ethics of such a decision.  Now, Gray Matter debuted his late partner as a clone at a concert in Tijuana.

“People were complaining about his jerky movements,” said Gray Matter after the show, “but now he ain’t a robot.  Now he’s a real human being, yo!”

Indeed, the cloned Mic-D’s movements were much more fluid than the android, but most concert-goers did not initially recognize that it wasn’t just an actor playing the part.  “From a hundred feet away, it’s just some dude, you know?” said Janet Mayer, an American who came to Tijuana to see this show.  It was a sentiment carried by most of the audience of 10,000, but afterwards, Gray Matter showed him off the media.

“This is the real deal, my [expletive] [expletive],” he said.  “We’re going to blow this [expletive] up!”

The Mic-D clone seemed overwhelmed by the attention, seeing as he was technically only two months old despite having an adult body.  Gray Matter didn’t allow him to speak or interact with the media and quickly ducked back into their tour bus without taking questions.

One of the questions repeatedly asked was about the moral quandaries of resurrecting a deceased friend for monetary gain without the deceased’s consent.  Concert-goers seemed put off when they learned the news.  “Oh my God, I can’t believe he said that,” said Juanita Hermanos.  “Why can’t they leave the dead alone?  Don’t they know that’s bad luck?”

“What?  No, that was just an actor, right?  No way someone would be so stupid to do that to their friend,” said Carlos Estes.

“Ew,” said Stacy Paul.

There were other lingering questions as well:  Where did the android go?  Where did Gray Matter get the money or genetic material to clone Mic-D?  Did his family consent to it?  And how is he going to tour the U.S., where cloning is illegal?  It’s no coincidence that the cloned Mic-D was debuted in Mexico.  He was likely bred there as well as Mexico has more lenient cloning laws.

Reporters crowded Gray Matter’s tour bus, screaming questions at him.  The bus pulled away, and Gray Matter leaned out the window, flipping everyone off.  The cloned Mic-D did the same but used the wrong fingers.

Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

By Packie Williams

Supervillain Hellena was back in New Romford today, jumping several miles in just a few jumps before being defeated by Titana at Bayland Amusement Park.

Hellena, an alternate timeline version of the superhero Titana, had apparently stolen something from ATOM Labs this morning.  NRPD and ATOM Labs are keeping quiet as to what the item was, but it was small enough to be carried by hand in a metal container.  After stealing the item, Hellena proceeded to jump several stories into the air (as she cannot fly) towards downtown.  She landed first just outside of PFHQ and then in the middle of the New Avenue and 4^th Avenue intersection, causing pile-ups in the dozens in every direction.  Titana flew in from the north and knocked her alternate self into the Bayland Amusement Park.

Witnesses reported that the two Amazonian princesses talked for several minutes before they fought.  They destroyed several small game stands and the carousel before ending up on the Ferris Wheel. 

Hellena’s fighting style was erratic and very limber, according to Diana Price.  “She was doing all these weird backflips and contortions.  She must have a super spine to do this stuff.  And then her breasts flopped out of her costume.”

“I don’t know what world she came from, but superwomen need to support their girls like everyone else.”

Despite her wardrobe malfunction, Hellena proved formidable for several minutes until Titana threw baseballs from a bottle-knock-down game at her.  Eventually, she went down with a fastball to the face.

Titana waited for the NRPD to arrive and arrest Hellena.  She spoke with an office and flew away with the container in hand.

Bayland Amusement Park closed for the rest of the day and indefinitely until repairs can be made.