By Dash Hamley
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| File photo: Evil warlock, John Madden, gazing into his crystal Vince Lombardi Trophy. |
MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been
terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in
his castle atop the highest peak in California.
A coalition of former and current athletes, who were
featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke
through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce
battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the
ground. The coalition was led by Dante
Culpepper, who was featured on the 2002 edition of the popular video game. “I have been waiting so long for this day,”
he said, his eyes glowing red as his hatred fueled his mystic powers. “I waited all my life to play in the NFL, and
his curse ended my dreams. It was through
many hours of soul searching and deep meditation that I was able to obtain the
mystic might needed to fell this foe.”
Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach and NFL icon,
had beaten back would-be heroes for years now, cackling with laughter after
each victory, maintaining a high winning percentage as he did while
coaching. But today muddied up the
statistic, and his fire demons were no match for Culpepper and his coalition.
The team included Garrison Hearst (from the 1999 cover
and first to be cursed), Shaun Alexander (2007), Vince Young (2008), Peyton
Hillis (2012), and Aaron Rodgers, even though he’s never been on the
cover. “When EA started letting the fans
vote [for who’d be on the cover],” said Rodgers, “I’ve been near the top four
in each year. Thankfully, the Green Bay
fans voted against me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”
“We had to stop this monster.”
While Culpepper had developed his own mystic powers, the
other coalition members helped in their own way. Rodgers, who still plays football, threw
green-energy bombs, handed to him by Hillis, at the fire demons with pinpoint
accuracy. Young used his great speed
from his cybernetic legs to confuse the castle troops while Hearst, the weapons
expert and supplier for the group, used his katanas. Culpepper burst into the inner sanctum to do
battle with the evil warlock. Madden’s
incantations could be heard from miles around as residents as far away as Las
Vegas could hear him yell “Boom!” They
traded blows for nearly twenty minutes until Madden was finally defeated by
Culpepper. Reportedly, his last words
were a repetition of “Favre,” probably a failed incantation to make a comeback.
With Madden now defeated, the Curse could finally be
lifted. “Or so we hope,” said
Culpepper. “He was a dastardly
villain. This Curse may still exist for
some time after his death. Surely, it
will weaken, but all we can do now is pray and rejoice.”
