Wrigley Field Ivy Turns Against Cubs

By Dash Hamley

CHICAGO – The infamous Wrigley Field ivy, which has beautified the stadium for decades, has apparently turned against the Chicago Cubs.

Last night, the Cubs were hosting the Houston Astros when outfielder Fernando Martinez hit a ball towards right field.  Cubs right fielder, David DeJesus, ran back to catch it when the ivy batted the ball away from his glove.  “At first, I thought it just hit the tip of my glove,” DeJesus said.  “But then the fans started yelling something about the ivy.  I thought they were crazy.”

Instant replay showed the ivy’s interference, but nothing was called on the play.  The next inning, Cubs center fielder, Brett Jackson went to grab the ball as it bounced into the ivy, but he couldn’t pull it out.  “It was like the ivy had just grabbed it,” Jackson said.  “By the time I pried it out, the runner was already to third.”

By then, manager Dale Sveum went to talk to the umpires.  A short argument ensued, but no one was sure what had happened.  By the seventh inning, it was clear that the ivy was actively sabotaging the Cubs when it tripped both Jackson and left fielder Alfonso Soriano.  Play was suspended, and the ivy gave a deep, bellowing laugh.

When asked about its apparent sentience, it said, “I’ve always been awake.  How is my secret.”  As for its behavior, the ivy just said, “This team is pathetic and awful.  You try watching this double-A squad play ‘baseball’ for a hundred years.”  Here, the ivy formed hands so it could form air quotation marks.

Major League Baseball and the Cubs are looking into what to do with the ivy, but since the Cubs only have two more games, and neither team is in playoff contention, they may just cancel the final games.  The ivy reportedly laughed into the night.

Quinton School Nanites Double School’s Capacity

By Buffy Bolivar

File photo

The Quinton School for Young Superheroes is still infested with Professor Stratosphere’s nanites.  For over a week, they’ve been rebuilding the school from the Pop Man attacks and then adding onto the campus’s buildings, and now they’ve effectively doubled the school’s capacity.

Dorms, classrooms, cafeterias, and combat rooms have all been duplicated by the nanites.  What was once a school fit for a maximum of 60 students can now house 120.  And the nanites have not stopped building.

“Professor Stratosphere is monitoring the situation closely,” said the Muskrat, who has returned from his mission with the Peace Force.  “It’s nice that they’re so effective at their jobs and that they’ve doubled the school for free.  So far, we’re grateful.”  The Professor could not be reached for comment as he was busy examining the nanites. 

The students, who are suddenly finding themselves with extra space, are taking advantage of the situation.  Gale Bradley, a.k.a. Star Girl or Bright Woman (she hasn’t decided which she likes better yet), is enjoying the extra space.  “The dorms here are pretty much the same size anywhere else,” she said, “so now we all got another room, and we’re spreading out.  Some guys have been punching holes in the walls to try and make them one room, but it doesn’t work for long as the nanites rebuild the walls immediately.”

In between classes, some of the students have been having fun blowing up the gargoyles and watching the nanites descend on the broken off statue and reattach it to the building in a matter of minutes, even from 400 feet away. 

Asked if they were worried about the nanites, most of the students just shrugged it off.  Matt Klutte, a.k.a. Sheer Man, said, “Look, I’ve had translucent skin all my life.  That guy over there looks like a frog-wolf, and that guy can detach his joints like a freaking toy.  Like, seriously, his arms just pop off like he’s made of plastic, and he can pop them in and out like nothing.  These nanites are nothing next to us.”

Cat Monster Eats Hamilton Hotel

By Stan Hopewell

A 50-foot cat-like monster terrorized downtown New Romford today, eating the majority of the Hamilton Hotel before being stopped by Adonis.

Several eye witnesses and camera photos show a largely formless creature, covered in fur with whiskers and pointed ears.  Many residents described it as a “cat monster” while fleeing the scene.  “It came out off a cargo ship at the docks,” said Jack Hannahan, a trucker who was down at the docks.  “I don’t know where it came from, but the ship’s crew apparently didn’t know it was on their ship when it broke loose.”

The origin of the creature was unknown.  Monster Island is located in the Pacific Ocean, not the Atlantic.  The NRPD are investigating the ship’s crew and logs very carefully to determine its origin and if foul play was involved.

Once the creature left the ship, it moved across the docks and jumped over I-99.  It apparently landed on a train which went north through downtown.  The creature fell off around 8^th Avenue, disoriented according to witnesses.  Then, there was a gurgling sound emanating from the creature, and it ate the Hamilton Hotel.  Fortunately, the building was empty due to remodeling.

After the creature devoured the hotel, Adonis swooped in, punched the creature a few times in its face, tied its whiskers in a bow, and flew it out of the city to an unknown destination.  “It’s somewhere safe,” Adonis said.  “I don’t know where it came from, but the police have it handled.”

Lightning Bug Arraigned

By Chase Chapley

Horace Wagner, a.k.a. the Lightning Bug, was arraigned in New Romford City Court today on 24 counts of property destruction, illegal possession of advanced weaponry, reckless endangerment of non-superpowered civilians, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.

Wagner, who last week blew up part of the Verzatt Estates and was defeated in a battle with Speedster in Downtown New Romford, pled no contest to all charges.  Judge Moynihan placed a $2,000,000 bond and sent Wagner to New Romford County Jail to await trial.

If convicted, Wagner could face up to 60 years in prison, but supervillains of Wagner’s stature rarely receive the maximum sentences.  Since he was purportedly trying to set up contacts with the New Romford underworld, it’s possible he could be released early on a plea deal.  It’s also possible that he breaks out of jail as that is an all too common occurrence with supervillains.

Quinton School Nanites Keep Building

By Buffy Bolivar

File photo

The nanites of the Quinton School for Young Superheroes appear to keep rebuilding the campus, long after they’ve rebuilt the buildings that were destroyed last week.

Pop Man attacked the school last week, exploding several buildings on campus, and was eventually arrested.  When reached for comment on the attack, Professor Stratosphere remarked that he infused the architecture with nanites, or microscopic robots, that would rebuild any structure within days.  Apparently, that time has come and gone, yet the nanites keep building.

“Well, they do seem rather rambunctious,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “Of course, I’m monitoring them, but they seem to be adding gargoyles and spikes and such to the buildings.  They were never in the original blueprints, but they’re building them.  Adds a gothic quality to them.  Might raise tuition prices.”

As to why they keep building, the Professor was still investigating.  They use the atoms from their surroundings to replicate the structure they rebuild, and the Quinton School sits on top a hill rich in many types of rock.  He could not estimate when they would stop.

The Muskrat, who is the new headmaster of the school, could not be reached for comment as he was on a Peace Force mission in Quebec.

Kelsey Grammer Hospitalized in Hawaii

By Julia Crumpleman

HONOLULU – Actor Kelsey Grammer was hospitalized today after falling down into a cave on the island of Oahu.  No major injuries were reported.

The actor best known for portraying the role of Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Frasier for twenty years was on a hike with his wife and friends when he slipped and fell.  Grammer, who maintains a residence in Hawaii, suffered a heart attack in 2008, and he’s been taking hikes to maintain his health.  But this fall was not what the doctor ordered.

“We were just hiking along this path near his house,” said Mark Platt, one of Grammer’s companions.  “We’ve been on this trail several times, actually, but we took a fork that was new to all of us, and that’s when Kelsey just slipped and fell down some rocks.”

Platt was able to find a safer route to the cave and found that Grammer only fell about thirty feet.  Grammer was lying on the ground, staring at a statue that Platt described as “the Tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Hawaii episodes”.  Platt apparently had to snap Grammer back to reality and helped him out of the cave.

Despite some bumps and bruises, Grammer is expected to make a full recovery and will be able to return home soon.

Vandals Ransack Veralow

By Buffy Bolivar

Camera phone photo from Jennifer Lee

The Vandals are back, and they ransacked a strip mall in Veralow today.

“Those damn (expletive) took all of paintings and silverware,” said Pigori Subs owner, Fabian Pigori.  “I was just working in the back on my classic Italian pizza subs.  I had an order for 100 pizza subs for a bigwig business guy, and then those (expletive) Vandals popped out of nowhere and ransacked my amazing restaurant.”

Other store owners of the Veralow Plaza on Chaucer Street told similar stories.  Cronkston Vintage Clothing store noted the Vandals took off with several racks of women’s clothes, even though none of the Vandals were women, MegaHertz electronic store lost hundreds of yards of various cords, and EZ Cash Checking said they took chairs, a desk, and a few paintings, but no cash.

“It was the strangest robbery we’ve ever had,” said Jonathan Drake of EZ Cash Checking.  “I mean, normally, people go for the cash and not the furniture.  So strange.  And then they all disappeared in a white light, just like they arrived.”

The German supervillain, Herr Gerfahr, used his time traveling device in the 1980’s to loot treasures from history.  The Amazings were able to stop him in 455 CE when the Vandals ransacked Rome, but a small group of Vandals got caught in a time-space loop and have been hopping to different times and places ever since.  Their last known locations were London in 1994, outside Osaka, Japan in 1967, Machu Picchu in 1571 (according to Spanish histories), and St. Petersburg, Russia in 1799.  Usually their appearances last only a few minutes, and no one knows where they put all of their loot.

Regardless, the time-space-traveling Vandals have not ransacked the same place twice, which provides some comfort to shop owners of the Veralow Plaza.  “At least I can write it up to my insurance,” said Pigori.  “I’ve lived in New Romford my whole life, and this is literally the only crazy thing that’s ever happened to me, so I count my blessings.  It’s like they say:  Vandals never strike twice.”