“Ghostwriters” Turned Away at Court

By Buffy Bolivar

The “Ghostwriters” who were trapped in Little India bynecromancers were turned away from court today as ghosts are not a covered class in New Romford law.

Section 8 of the New Romford City Charter was last amended in 1997 to admit beings from other dimensions or timelines, aliens from other planets, sasquatches and yetis, and pansexuals as a covered class.  It has been amended thirteen different times to cover a total of 58 distinct classes, by far the most of any city in the country.  Being a covered class allows for full protection under the law, but ghosts have never been added despite numerous attempts.  The last of which died in 2004.

“These posthumous-Americans deserve full protection under the law just like they had full protection when they were alive,” said Saul Mortenson, lawyer for the Ghostwriters.  “They were exploited by these necromancers, and they and their families deserve justice and compensation for their work.”

The Ghostwriters were held against their wills by five necromancers several weeks back and forced to write paranormal teen romance novels in the basement of a Little India building.  Five necromancers were arrested but ultimately not charged with any crimes.  At least one more was never caught, and there could’ve been more than that.  The publishers of their novels have been debating whether to sue them or not, but according to sources, they may ultimately not sue as their novels have seen a boost in sales.

Despite being turned away at court, Mortenson vows to press ahead with lawsuits.  “My clients were kept against their will to basically work as ghost slaves,” he said.  “And to write terrible paranormal teen romance novels.  Is this the kind of horror we are willing to allow?”

‘Normal Man’ Still Recovering From Chemical Bath

By Muffy Borgeron

Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fellinto a vat of chemicals a couple weeks ago, is still recovering from his burns and, strangely, still hasn’t gained superpowers.

“Gil’s still in a medically-induced coma,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero, “and we’re doing our best to heal his burns, but now he has internal damage to his organs.  That chemical vat was a toxic brew, and frankly, everyone here is just surprised he hasn’t grown fur or bat wings.”

“At the very least, he should’ve grown a third eye by now.”

Heredia’s family is remaining quiet as they hope he recovers from his wounds.  Matt Laredo, the family spokesman, has requested privacy through this trying time.  “The Heredias understand the intrigue surrounding their husband and father of two.  Right now, the family asks for your prayers and hopes everyone can learn a valuable lesson that chemicals are not a reliable source of superpowers.”

Indeed, the city seems to be rocked by the news of Heredia’s fate.  Sales of gas masks and hazmat suits have tripled in the past weeks, and traffic around ATOM Labs and other chemical plants has dipped substantially.  “It’s like people just realized this stuff was dangerous,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio.  “I wouldn’t say people were jumping into chemicals before this, but I think people were less cautious because they thought, ‘Hey, if I get sprayed by chemicals from a truck accident, then at least I’ll get something cool out of it.’  Poor Gil, he’s just a normal man.  Hopefully, this will be a teachable moment for people.”

“Even still, maybe he’ll wake up and have telekinesis or something.”

Lifeform Gestates in Glowing Russian Asteroid

By Skip Daverman

MOSCOW – Russian officials have confirmed suspicions:  there is a lifeform inside the giant glowing asteroid.

The asteroid has been cordoned off from the public since its arrival outside of Moscow, glowing and growing.  Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have monitored it since, but as it has continued to grow (now over 1,000 feet in diameter), an image of a lifeform can be seen inside it.  Amateur photos have been circulating the internet for the past few days, and the Kremlin could no longer keep it under wraps.

“Yes, there appears to be something gestating inside,” said spokesperson Piotr Markov.  “We do not know what it is or whether it is dangerous.  We have work to do.”

No indication has been given as to what sort of creature is inside, but security has been heightened due to the leaks.  The reports of strange outer space dreams have decreased amongst the locals, but rumors have surfaced that many of the scientists studying the asteroid haven’t been sleeping well.

“Please,” Markov said, visibly frustrated by the questions, “we have been working very hard to keep everyone safe.  So yes, we are tired.  But to speak of outer space dreams of alien worlds and cosmic energies is ridiculous.”

NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

By Packie Williams

The NRPD have determined that Hellena stole an undisclosed item from ATOM Labs yesterday with the purpose of restoring her timeline.  And she likely caused the déjàvu that many people felt as well.

Hellena is the evil alternate timeline version of superhero Titana, who was brought to our timeline during one of Titana’s adventures.  The circumstances of that adventure have never been fully disclosed to the public.  But Hellena, who sacrificed herself to Hades to save the Amazons from Napoleon and turned evil as a result, has been a fixture in our timeline for the past eight years nonetheless.

The item stolen from ATOM Labs may’ve been activated inside the labs by Hellena or one of her associates, who were seen but not apprehended.  A source within the NRPD has indicated that the déjà vu experienced around the world was likely caused by Hellena trying to restore her timeline in the past.  So far all indications are preliminary, but given Hellena’s continued quest to return to her timeline, it’s a safe bet she was behind it.

No one at ATOM Labs is confirming the suspicions, and Dr. Amazing, a co-founder of ATOM Labs, has not spoken since the incident.  Hellena is currently being held in Granite Prison in a depowering room.

Mysterious Thefts Continue

By Packie Williams

The mysterious thefts that have plagued eastern Dukes for the past two weeks has continued with an apparent new twist:  residents’ bank accounts.

August Hills resident, Jerry Minor, went to his bank and cashed his savings account in excess of $12,000.  Security cameras show him entering the WinMac branch on 19^th Avenue, alone, and leaving with two suitcases full of money.  But Minor has no memory of this nor of where the money went.

“I thought I was going crazy,” he said.  “I was checking my account online and saw the withdrawal.  Needless to say, I was shocked and immediately called the bank.  When they said I came in and withdrew the money, I thought it was some sort of joke, but then I saw the video.  I swear, I do not remember this.”

Minor’s account was the first of three separate incidents, all residents of the wealthy August Hills neighborhood.  Selma Negras reported withdrawing $8,000, and Charles Tobin reported withdrawing $9,000.  Both did not remember a thing.

The NRPD has told all banks to be suspicious of any suspicious withdrawals, even if it’s made by the owner of the accounts.  Police Commissioner Trombeau advised all New Romford residents to keep an eye on their money and valuables during the investigation.  When asked if a superhuman could be behind this, he said, “I wouldn’t rule it out.”

Twin Cities Become Ghost Towns to Avoid Mouths

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – Several weeks since the giant mouths appeared, the Twin Cities have become ghost towns as residents have left and businesses have shut down.

“It’s just not worth it,” said Starbucks manager, Todd Kemp, whose shop is a mile from the Minneapolis mouth.  “The mouths yell sporadically throughout the day.  There’s just no peace and quiet anymore, and no one is here.  I have bad enough hearing as it is.”

Residents within a 2,000-foot radius of each mouth were ordered to evacuate for their own safety by the National Guard while everyone within a mile radius were strongly encouraged to leave as well.  Most are staying with friends and family in the suburbs or at hotels.  Some towns, and parts of the Twin Cities, are taking in children into their schools for the time being.  Despite the difficulties, some are seeing a silver lining.

“I know they’re shut down, but business is booming here,” said Mary Waller, store manager of Albertsons in Mankato.  “It’s not just my store, but the whole town is getting a boost economically.  Obviously, this is only temporary, but we’ll take it.”

Many of the suburbs are indeed seeing a boost in their local economies, and some businesses are taking in employees from their downtown offices if they can.  “We’re a tough people,” said Mike Jennings, auto technician for Midas in St. Paul and now Woodbury.  “If we can handle Minnesota winters, then we can handle giant mouths screaming at each other.”

Michelle Meyers Rescued Again by Adonis

By Falco Rockbert

File photo of Adonis
saving Meyers.

Michelle Meyers was taken hostage by the supervillain Keymaster last night and was rescued, yet again, by Adonis.

Details of the incident are still sketchy, but Meyers, reporter for the New Romford Sentinel, was at her desk writing a story on a white collar crime ring in the Gramercy Tower.  The story alleges several high level bankers and hedge fund managers were embezzling money and funneling it to various supervillian organizations.  Keymaster, using his mastery of keys, snuck into the Sentinel’s offices and abducted Meyers.

Keymaster took Meyers to the top of Gramercy Tower, 14 blocks away, and held her over the edge of the building.  Despite having a sword and a pair of daggers at his disposal, Keymaster dropped Meyers, allowing her to plummet towards the ground.

Adonis saved her, of course, and quickly defeated Keymaster with his laser vision.  Why Keymaster decided to dispose of Meyers by falling rather than by his blades could not be determined, but Meyers was grateful for the save nonetheless.  “I guess I just get caught by the dumb supervillains,” she said.  “Now I got a story to write.”

Adonis would not comment on the matter.  This marks his twenty-ninth save of Meyers.