Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities have continued their bickering since they became sentient two days ago.  Crowds are gathering around to see the mouths for themselves, but at their own peril.

University of Minnesota scientists and both city police forces have cordoned off several blocks around the mouths, both to monitor their continued bickering and to protect curious residents.  “The decibel levels are typically in the 90s,” said physics Professor John Stockman.  “That’s about as loud as a train whistle or jackhammer, and that’s when they talk at a normal level.  When they yell, it’s up in the 140s, which is as loud as an airplane.  That is very dangerous for human ears.”

Even with the police perimeter, three UM students snuck in to see the Minneapolis mouth.  They threw beer cans into it without reaction.  They continued throwing beer cans, garbage cans, and rocks, but the giant maw didn’t seem to notice.  Then one student began to urinate into it, and that’s when it coughed and yelled.

The sound vibrations caused a minor earthquake in downtown Minneapolis and triggered the St. Paul mouth to laugh hysterically, causing another minor earthquake in St. Paul.  Both were under 4.0 on the Richter scale.  While no property damage was reported, the eardrums of the UM students were completely shattered, and hundreds of residents reported ringing in their ears for several minutes.

The Minneapolis police quickly arrested the three students and expanded their perimeter around the mouth.  “This is really dangerous,” said Minneapolis police chief, Andrew McDaniels, at an impromptu press conference outside the new perimeter.  “These gigantic mouths are nothing to be trifled with.  Please stay behind the perimeter for your own safety.”

When reporters asked follow-up questions, McDaniels asked for them to be repeated several times, forcing everyone to yell for a half hour on the street.

Lightning Bug Equipment Malfunction Caused Explosion

By Chase Chapley

New details have emerged from the Lightning Bug’s capture last week.  Horace Wagner, a.k.a. the Lightning Bug, had acquired some new equipment while staying at the Verzatt Estates.  This new equipment apparently malfunctioned and caused the explosion.

Wagner had set up an alias in New Romford several months ago, presumably to make connections with new partners.  Sources within the NRPD are not commenting on exactly who he was meeting with, but given his apartment at Verzatt Estates under the alias John Smith, it is assumed he met or was attempting to meet with rich clients.

At some point, Wagner was given new equipment to augment his Lightning Bug suit.  It malfunctioned and caused the explosion at his apartment.  Wagner then fled the scene in his suit, followed by a small swarm of insects, and was eventually captured by Speedster.  The NRPD would not confirm what the new equipment was exactly, but they did confirm that it wasn’t nuclear or otherwise contagious.  ATOM Labs scanned the room and confirmed the results.

Wagner is currently in jail, awaiting trial for several counts of destruction of property, illegal possession of advanced weaponry, vandalism, battery, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.

Speedster Zips Through Downtown, Leaves Wave of Destruction

By Chase Chapley

File photo

On her way out of New Romford this morning, Speedster left her usual wave of destruction down 21^st Street as cars slammed into each other trying to avoid her quick movements.

On First Avenue, Jonathan Hu veered off the side of the road into a light post.  “She just came out of nowhere,” he said.  “She was running so fast that all I could do was swerve, but I hit the damn post because of her.”  Hu was at least thankful he didn’t hurt anyone.

On Second Avenue, Michael Watt hit the rear bumper of the truck in front of him as Speedster zipped right past him.  “I was drinking my coffee,” he said, “when she just flew by.  Must’ve been going 200 miles an hour.  I spilled my coffee in my lap when she flew by, and I got distracted and just hit the truck in front of me.”

On Third Avenue, Ida Noh had a similar story.  She was riding her bicycle when Speedster ran by.  “She was just so fast,” she said.  “I was crossing the street, and there was a car starting to turn, waiting for me, and then there she was.  She ran by and one car rear-ended another and bumped the car into me.  Then, I look down the street and everyone’s getting into accidents.”  Noh says she only experienced minor scraps, but she just can’t understand why Speedster won’t slow down.  “I mean, we got speed limits on the roads for a reason.  Why can’t she follow them?

“I thought she was a hero.”

Speedster turned onto Seventh Avenue at the YMCA, causing several more minor car accidents, before merging onto Eighth Avenue, causing Bea Caws to slam into a fire hydrant.  “I hate superheroes!” she said.  “Just get out of the damn city already and leave us alone.  This is the fifth accident I’ve had this month all thanks to so-called superheroes!”

Tom Morrow and Todd Hay were sitting at the Shortstop Café to get a front row seat at the spectacle.  “We came down here for a light lunch like we always do,” Morrow said, “because there’s usually something exciting happening downtown.  And Speedster is just so much fun to watch, too!  I know people get into accidents, and that’s not fun for them, but as a spectator, we just love it!”

Their waiter, who didn’t provide his name, was asked about the accidents and said, “I don’t care.”

PF-Atlantis Meeting Wrap-up

By Stan Hopewell

File photo:  King Morn

As the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting wrapped up tonight, a few more details have started to emerge.

First, Speedster eventually made it to the meetings, but no one saw her enter.  From all accounts, she was fidgeting when she did sit down, which distracted everyone, human and Atlantean alike.  She was asked to leave by a Peace Force member, and she did.  Again, no one saw her exit.

Second, the levels of pollution the Atlanteans wanted were, naturally, very low compared to the U.S. numbers.  The Atlanteans felt that the U.S. was going back on their word to reduce water pollution levels to 3% by 2020, and they were also still upset about last year’s oil spills that destroyed their kelp farms and marlin hunting waters.  The U.S. officials maintained that was an aberration and that they will continue to lower their pollution levels.

Third, most intriguingly, an alternative was being proposed to the Atlantis Underway.  The plan to build a 1,500 mile underwater highway and/or high-speed rail line didn’t garner much attraction from the U.S. due to its high cost.  The Atlanteans were, by and large, not too fond of the idea either.  Instead, another project, the Atlantis Elevator, garnered more interest as it would cost considerably less money to build.  Essentially, it would be a giant freight elevator built from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to sea level about halfway in between Atlantis and the eastern seaboard.  Freight ships would sail to the elevator which would essentially be a port for the exchange of cargo.  Whether or not the White House goes for the idea is unknown.

No matter what happens in Washington, attendees came away feeling productive.  Next year’s meeting is already being planned as a two-day event.

Donald Trump Claims Obama Is A Clone

By Falco Rockbert

File photo

NEW YORK – Despite all evidence to the contrary, business magnate Donald Trump claimed today that President Obama was a clone.

For months Trump has been questioning the president’s legitimacy as an American citizen.  Last year he sent a team to Hawaii to investigate Obama’s birth certificate, claiming that it was “missing.”  The following week the White House release the president’s long form Certificate of Live Birth from Hawaii, hoping to put the “controversy” to rest.

It stayed alive, of course.  Trump and other birthers had requested on a daily basis to use Dr. Amazing’s time machine to see the president’s birth for themselves.  Eventually, Dr. Amazing relented, and, with the approval from the president with assurances nothing would be altered, he allowed journalists, politicians, and selected civilians to witness Obama’s birth in Honolulu in 1961.  Trump tagged along, footing half of the $10 million to operate the machine.  Most of the time travelers came back satisfied that President Obama was an American citizen (apart from the tragic fate of John Mahoney).  Trump was not.

“This proves nothing,” said Trump in an interview with Fox News.  “All this shows is that Obama was born in Hawaii but not that he is who he says he is.  There’s a lot of time from when he was born to now.  How do we know he isn’t a clone?  We don’t.  In this world of supervillains and weirdoes, we’ve had hundreds of clones.  Even of superheroes.  How do we know the president isn’t a clone of some nefarious party?”

While superheroes have been known to be switched with clones in the past, today they have methods of detecting such things.  Tarantula-Man was infamously switched with a clone over 20 years ago, a saga that wrecked his life.  It took him years to salvage his reputation, but a method to detect clones was discovered by ATOM Labs. 

“This is ludicrous,” said ATOM Labs professor, Sarah McLane.  “We scan every member of Congress, every member of the Supreme Court, and every member of the White House once a week.  There are no clones in Washington.”

Trump was not swayed by this.  “Clearly, they’re in cahoots with the president,” he said.  “Why don’t they let the public see this?  Why is this behind closed doors?  I tried to go in and see it, but they turned me away.  They’re hiding something.”

McLane says that the Clone Detector is available to view on the ATOM Labs tour but confirmed that they turned Trump away.  “We didn’t let him in because he was harassing everybody,” she said.  “This is a place for learning, sharing ideas, expanding human knowledge.  Not browbeating everyone who disagrees with you.”

“Plus, his hair was scaring children.”

Meetings Over; On to Washington

By Stan Hopewell

At 7pm the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting is officially over.  U.S. officials, Peace Force members, and Atlanteans flooded the hall in good spirits.  Adonis, Titana, and the royal couple appeared before the crowd on the balcony, thanking everyone for attending.

“I officially call this year’s meeting to a close,” said Adonis.  “It’s not often that we all get together like this, and I’m honored to have hosted King Morn, Queen Rosn’elia, and their Royal Circle here today.”  He went on to generalize what was said in the meetings but gave no specifics.

King Morn gave a short speech in Atlantean to a jovial response from his Circle and then repeated it, supposedly, in English.  “I know being overland is hard on my people,” he said, “but Adonis and the Peace Force have made our stay a welcomed one.  I thank him and all of you overlanders for your hospitality.”  He and his wife bowed and exited the balcony. 

As for what was discussed, no one was allowed to give specifics.  “These were preliminary meetings to gather facts,” said Senator Saluzzi.  “Any specific deals will be made at Congress and the White House.  But I will say that we did gain ground, so to speak, on some trade deals.”

The Atlanteans filed back into their limousines and left for their ship the M’ranic.  Tomorrow, they will be headed to Washington for a two-day visit with the President.  A wrap-up on today’s meetings will come later tonight.

Alligator Skin Outbreak in the Heights

By Muffy Borgeron

Professor Alan Guinness

An outbreak of alligator skin has spread throughout the Heights in the past week, and residents are advised to get vaccinated.

Alligator skin was a relatively benign disease that sprang up in the 70’s when New Romford University professor, Alan Guinness, was attempting to regenerate body parts in humans using reptilian DNA.  His experiments backfired when he was turned into an anthropomorphic alligator.  Initially, he ravaged NRU campus before being stopped by the Tarantula-Man and Dr. Amazing.  Dubbed “The Gator,” Guinness was able to regain control of his feral instincts but not his human form.  But his rampage spread the disease alligator skin, which slowly transforms a human’s skin into rough alligator-type skin but doesn’t transform them into rampaging lizard monsters.

“I thought I had eradicated this disease years ago,” said Professor Alan Guinness, who still teaches biology at NRU.  “Dr. Amazing and I created a vaccine for it, and it was seemingly gone by the 90’s.  It became just another vaccine for children to get along with measles, mumps, and dragon pox.  But then people thought they contributed to autism, and now look where we are.

“Turning into an alligator is what you get for not vaccinating your children.”

Indeed, most of the cases have been reported in children under the age of twelve.  Health officials are trying to treat the disease as best they can but say that the best defense is prevention.  Guinness and his students have been creating new batches of the vaccine non-stop all week.