Trump Blackouts New York, New Jersey

By Falco Rockbert

NEW YORK – While avoiding serious charges for his faulty psychic detector stunt, Donald Trump caused a blackout in New York City and New Jersey yesterday while powering up his Trump Portal Detector.

Continuing his fruitless pursuit to prove President Obama is an imposter, Trump was building a portal detector in his Trump Tower.  The aim was to determine if Obama was from another dimension and to undermine his eligibility for president.  Beings from alternate dimensions are closely monitored by the U.N. and the global science community at large, and such beings emit an “aura” of ionic residue that is different from our dimension, which makes them easy to detect.  No one has raised any concerns about President Obama or his staff, yet that hasn’t convinced Trump.

“Of course, they’re going to say they’re clean,” said Trump.  “They’re in cahoots with one another.  Only me and my Trump Portal Detector are truly independent, and I can assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this.”

Then Trump turned on his machine and shorted out the power grid of New York and northeastern New Jersey.  Thankfully, it was in the middle of the day, so damage was minimal, though several traffic accidents were reported.  Remembering the blackout of 2003, most New Yorkers took the inconvenience in stride.  Needless to say, the Trump Portal Detector didn’t work.

Power was eventually returned within hours, and New York and New Jersey got back to work.  Trump wouldn’t comment after the incident, and the NYPD is reportedly investigating this as a misdemeanor.

John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

By Dash Hamley

File photo:  Evil warlock, John Madden, gazing into
his crystal Vince Lombardi Trophy.

MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California.

A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the ground.  The coalition was led by Dante Culpepper, who was featured on the 2002 edition of the popular video game.  “I have been waiting so long for this day,” he said, his eyes glowing red as his hatred fueled his mystic powers.  “I waited all my life to play in the NFL, and his curse ended my dreams.  It was through many hours of soul searching and deep meditation that I was able to obtain the mystic might needed to fell this foe.”

Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach and NFL icon, had beaten back would-be heroes for years now, cackling with laughter after each victory, maintaining a high winning percentage as he did while coaching.  But today muddied up the statistic, and his fire demons were no match for Culpepper and his coalition.

The team included Garrison Hearst (from the 1999 cover and first to be cursed), Shaun Alexander (2007), Vince Young (2008), Peyton Hillis (2012), and Aaron Rodgers, even though he’s never been on the cover.  “When EA started letting the fans vote [for who’d be on the cover],” said Rodgers, “I’ve been near the top four in each year.  Thankfully, the Green Bay fans voted against me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”

“We had to stop this monster.”

While Culpepper had developed his own mystic powers, the other coalition members helped in their own way.  Rodgers, who still plays football, threw green-energy bombs, handed to him by Hillis, at the fire demons with pinpoint accuracy.  Young used his great speed from his cybernetic legs to confuse the castle troops while Hearst, the weapons expert and supplier for the group, used his katanas.  Culpepper burst into the inner sanctum to do battle with the evil warlock.  Madden’s incantations could be heard from miles around as residents as far away as Las Vegas could hear him yell “Boom!”  They traded blows for nearly twenty minutes until Madden was finally defeated by Culpepper.  Reportedly, his last words were a repetition of “Favre,” probably a failed incantation to make a comeback.

With Madden now defeated, the Curse could finally be lifted.  “Or so we hope,” said Culpepper.  “He was a dastardly villain.  This Curse may still exist for some time after his death.  Surely, it will weaken, but all we can do now is pray and rejoice.”

Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

By Julia Crumpleman

Today’s question comes from Doris:

Dear Julia, what’s the difference between an alternate timeline and an alternate dimension?  I keep hearing it on the news, but they don’t explain it very well, and nothing on the internet helps me.  Are they different from parallel universes?  Thank you kindly.

Ah, that’s a tricky one, Doris.  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t quite understand it all myself.  Dr. Amazing has a web-series that tries to explain all about the multiverse and the space-time continuum, but most of it flies over my head.  (It also doesn’t help that Dr. Amazing seems to only speak in eight-syllable words when discussing physics, but that’s another thing entirely.)

But I do know enough that I think can help.  Basically, alternate timelines exist within our universe while alternate dimensions/parallel universes (which are the same thing more or less) are not our universe.  An alternate timeline is when some event in history went a different way which altered the course of our universe.

For instance, Hellena was just in the news recently, and she’s an alternate timeline version of Titana.  In Hellena’s timeline, Napoleon had conquered all of Europe and drove the Amazons into Hades.  Then, she sacrificed herself to save her people and became possessed by demons (hence the horns, red skin, and impractical clothing).  One of Titana’s adventures brought her to this timeline, and somehow Hellena followed her to our timeline.  Hellena can’t return to her world unless our timeline is changed to resemble hers, which is another difference between the two.

Alternate dimensions can exist completely on their own.  They run by themselves, and without a portal generator, we can’t change their universes.  Think of one as being about space and the other being about time.  It can get tricky sometimes, I know, since alternate dimensions can act almost exactly like alternate timelines, but it’s really about self-sustainability.  Apparently, there’s some variation between alternate dimensions and parallel universes, but then we’re delving into the deep, deep stuff.  I recommend reading some of Dr. Amazing’s books for further illumination.

Happy trails, Doris!

“Ghostwriters” Turned Away at Court

By Buffy Bolivar

The “Ghostwriters” who were trapped in Little India bynecromancers were turned away from court today as ghosts are not a covered class in New Romford law.

Section 8 of the New Romford City Charter was last amended in 1997 to admit beings from other dimensions or timelines, aliens from other planets, sasquatches and yetis, and pansexuals as a covered class.  It has been amended thirteen different times to cover a total of 58 distinct classes, by far the most of any city in the country.  Being a covered class allows for full protection under the law, but ghosts have never been added despite numerous attempts.  The last of which died in 2004.

“These posthumous-Americans deserve full protection under the law just like they had full protection when they were alive,” said Saul Mortenson, lawyer for the Ghostwriters.  “They were exploited by these necromancers, and they and their families deserve justice and compensation for their work.”

The Ghostwriters were held against their wills by five necromancers several weeks back and forced to write paranormal teen romance novels in the basement of a Little India building.  Five necromancers were arrested but ultimately not charged with any crimes.  At least one more was never caught, and there could’ve been more than that.  The publishers of their novels have been debating whether to sue them or not, but according to sources, they may ultimately not sue as their novels have seen a boost in sales.

Despite being turned away at court, Mortenson vows to press ahead with lawsuits.  “My clients were kept against their will to basically work as ghost slaves,” he said.  “And to write terrible paranormal teen romance novels.  Is this the kind of horror we are willing to allow?”

‘Normal Man’ Still Recovering From Chemical Bath

By Muffy Borgeron

Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fellinto a vat of chemicals a couple weeks ago, is still recovering from his burns and, strangely, still hasn’t gained superpowers.

“Gil’s still in a medically-induced coma,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero, “and we’re doing our best to heal his burns, but now he has internal damage to his organs.  That chemical vat was a toxic brew, and frankly, everyone here is just surprised he hasn’t grown fur or bat wings.”

“At the very least, he should’ve grown a third eye by now.”

Heredia’s family is remaining quiet as they hope he recovers from his wounds.  Matt Laredo, the family spokesman, has requested privacy through this trying time.  “The Heredias understand the intrigue surrounding their husband and father of two.  Right now, the family asks for your prayers and hopes everyone can learn a valuable lesson that chemicals are not a reliable source of superpowers.”

Indeed, the city seems to be rocked by the news of Heredia’s fate.  Sales of gas masks and hazmat suits have tripled in the past weeks, and traffic around ATOM Labs and other chemical plants has dipped substantially.  “It’s like people just realized this stuff was dangerous,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio.  “I wouldn’t say people were jumping into chemicals before this, but I think people were less cautious because they thought, ‘Hey, if I get sprayed by chemicals from a truck accident, then at least I’ll get something cool out of it.’  Poor Gil, he’s just a normal man.  Hopefully, this will be a teachable moment for people.”

“Even still, maybe he’ll wake up and have telekinesis or something.”

Lifeform Gestates in Glowing Russian Asteroid

By Skip Daverman

MOSCOW – Russian officials have confirmed suspicions:  there is a lifeform inside the giant glowing asteroid.

The asteroid has been cordoned off from the public since its arrival outside of Moscow, glowing and growing.  Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have monitored it since, but as it has continued to grow (now over 1,000 feet in diameter), an image of a lifeform can be seen inside it.  Amateur photos have been circulating the internet for the past few days, and the Kremlin could no longer keep it under wraps.

“Yes, there appears to be something gestating inside,” said spokesperson Piotr Markov.  “We do not know what it is or whether it is dangerous.  We have work to do.”

No indication has been given as to what sort of creature is inside, but security has been heightened due to the leaks.  The reports of strange outer space dreams have decreased amongst the locals, but rumors have surfaced that many of the scientists studying the asteroid haven’t been sleeping well.

“Please,” Markov said, visibly frustrated by the questions, “we have been working very hard to keep everyone safe.  So yes, we are tired.  But to speak of outer space dreams of alien worlds and cosmic energies is ridiculous.”

NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

By Packie Williams

The NRPD have determined that Hellena stole an undisclosed item from ATOM Labs yesterday with the purpose of restoring her timeline.  And she likely caused the déjàvu that many people felt as well.

Hellena is the evil alternate timeline version of superhero Titana, who was brought to our timeline during one of Titana’s adventures.  The circumstances of that adventure have never been fully disclosed to the public.  But Hellena, who sacrificed herself to Hades to save the Amazons from Napoleon and turned evil as a result, has been a fixture in our timeline for the past eight years nonetheless.

The item stolen from ATOM Labs may’ve been activated inside the labs by Hellena or one of her associates, who were seen but not apprehended.  A source within the NRPD has indicated that the déjà vu experienced around the world was likely caused by Hellena trying to restore her timeline in the past.  So far all indications are preliminary, but given Hellena’s continued quest to return to her timeline, it’s a safe bet she was behind it.

No one at ATOM Labs is confirming the suspicions, and Dr. Amazing, a co-founder of ATOM Labs, has not spoken since the incident.  Hellena is currently being held in Granite Prison in a depowering room.

Mysterious Thefts Continue

By Packie Williams

The mysterious thefts that have plagued eastern Dukes for the past two weeks has continued with an apparent new twist:  residents’ bank accounts.

August Hills resident, Jerry Minor, went to his bank and cashed his savings account in excess of $12,000.  Security cameras show him entering the WinMac branch on 19^th Avenue, alone, and leaving with two suitcases full of money.  But Minor has no memory of this nor of where the money went.

“I thought I was going crazy,” he said.  “I was checking my account online and saw the withdrawal.  Needless to say, I was shocked and immediately called the bank.  When they said I came in and withdrew the money, I thought it was some sort of joke, but then I saw the video.  I swear, I do not remember this.”

Minor’s account was the first of three separate incidents, all residents of the wealthy August Hills neighborhood.  Selma Negras reported withdrawing $8,000, and Charles Tobin reported withdrawing $9,000.  Both did not remember a thing.

The NRPD has told all banks to be suspicious of any suspicious withdrawals, even if it’s made by the owner of the accounts.  Police Commissioner Trombeau advised all New Romford residents to keep an eye on their money and valuables during the investigation.  When asked if a superhuman could be behind this, he said, “I wouldn’t rule it out.”

Twin Cities Become Ghost Towns to Avoid Mouths

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – Several weeks since the giant mouths appeared, the Twin Cities have become ghost towns as residents have left and businesses have shut down.

“It’s just not worth it,” said Starbucks manager, Todd Kemp, whose shop is a mile from the Minneapolis mouth.  “The mouths yell sporadically throughout the day.  There’s just no peace and quiet anymore, and no one is here.  I have bad enough hearing as it is.”

Residents within a 2,000-foot radius of each mouth were ordered to evacuate for their own safety by the National Guard while everyone within a mile radius were strongly encouraged to leave as well.  Most are staying with friends and family in the suburbs or at hotels.  Some towns, and parts of the Twin Cities, are taking in children into their schools for the time being.  Despite the difficulties, some are seeing a silver lining.

“I know they’re shut down, but business is booming here,” said Mary Waller, store manager of Albertsons in Mankato.  “It’s not just my store, but the whole town is getting a boost economically.  Obviously, this is only temporary, but we’ll take it.”

Many of the suburbs are indeed seeing a boost in their local economies, and some businesses are taking in employees from their downtown offices if they can.  “We’re a tough people,” said Mike Jennings, auto technician for Midas in St. Paul and now Woodbury.  “If we can handle Minnesota winters, then we can handle giant mouths screaming at each other.”

Michelle Meyers Rescued Again by Adonis

By Falco Rockbert

File photo of Adonis
saving Meyers.

Michelle Meyers was taken hostage by the supervillain Keymaster last night and was rescued, yet again, by Adonis.

Details of the incident are still sketchy, but Meyers, reporter for the New Romford Sentinel, was at her desk writing a story on a white collar crime ring in the Gramercy Tower.  The story alleges several high level bankers and hedge fund managers were embezzling money and funneling it to various supervillian organizations.  Keymaster, using his mastery of keys, snuck into the Sentinel’s offices and abducted Meyers.

Keymaster took Meyers to the top of Gramercy Tower, 14 blocks away, and held her over the edge of the building.  Despite having a sword and a pair of daggers at his disposal, Keymaster dropped Meyers, allowing her to plummet towards the ground.

Adonis saved her, of course, and quickly defeated Keymaster with his laser vision.  Why Keymaster decided to dispose of Meyers by falling rather than by his blades could not be determined, but Meyers was grateful for the save nonetheless.  “I guess I just get caught by the dumb supervillains,” she said.  “Now I got a story to write.”

Adonis would not comment on the matter.  This marks his twenty-ninth save of Meyers.

Carterson Residents Destroy Buildings for Fun and Safety

By Buffy Bolivar

Carterson resident, Jilly Hadley, smashes a gargoyle statue while
Tara Target from the Quinton School cheers.

The nanites from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes are still rampaging on the campus as students and faculty have set up a rotating schedule for destroying new buildings as they come.  Now, the residents of Carterson have been invited to help out.

Headmaster Muskrat has offered some residents to opportunity to vent their frustrations of the nanites by letting them destroy buildings alongside the students and faculty.  “This is more fun than I thought it’d be,” said Jill Hadley.  “The lady with the weird face tattoos [faculty member Tara Target] gave me this giant hammer to smash things with.  The hammer isn’t as heavy as it looks, but it still smashes things good.”

“I’ve destroyed 20 gargoyles today!”

Residents have been helping out the school, not just to give the students and faculty a break, but also to help preserve their homes from unwanted gargoyles and spikes.  Members of a local gym have come by, mostly for the exercise.  “I’m all for a full-body workout,” said Jon Anthony.  “Smashing buildings uses every muscle in your body.  It’s great for bodybuilding.”

But some residents aren’t so happy about this.  Mary Landers wouldn’t mind if the nanites came over and helped out her house.  “I wouldn’t mind have a second floor and a garage,” she said.  “Can’t they let a few of them robots come over and remodel my house?  I wouldn’t even mind a few gargoyles.”

Meanwhile, the Muskrat assured residents that Professor Stratosphere was close to a solution to stomp the rampage.

New App Tracks Superheroes

By Julia Crumpleman

A new app, Cape Finder, has hit the market, and it’ll allow users to track sightings of superheroes, supervillains, and other super-powered people and creatures with one tap.

Argon Studios, the developer of Cape Finder, says the app will utilize the phone’s GPS software to pin a map when users see a superhero or supervillain, much like Foursquare does.  “All it’ll take is a tap on your screen,” said lead developer, Chad Markins.  “Then you type in the person’s name or description and hit send.  You’ll go into the map where you can see other users’ pins.”

“You can use this to track supervillains’ movements throughout the city, for instance,” he said.  “Usually, they move in one direction or another, and this can be useful to know where to go in case of emergency.”

But not everyone is so enthusiastic about this app.  Janice Montana, attorney for many superheroes including Titana and the Amazings, said this could undermine her clients’ activities.  “Many superheroes still have secret identities for a reason,” she said.  “If the bad guys knew who they were, they’re going to target their families.  This tracking software could seriously jeopardize their operations if people were to follow them to their homes or underground lairs.”

Markins refuted that concern.  “We’re not using anything that people don’t already have at their fingertips,” he said.  “There are websites set up for this, and people tweet superhero sightings.  It’s out there.  Superheroes have been doing this for decades.  They know what they’re doing.”

Lap-Cat Caught in Paris

By Skip Daverman

2007 photo of Lap-Cat on the lap of a Spanish man in Madrid, days
before his capture on suspicion of espionage.

PARIS, France – The infamous feline superspy Lap-Cat has been caught in Paris while attempting to steal secrets from President François Hollande.  It was not known what he was trying to steal.

Lap-Cat has been on the loose for the past three years.  His last known whereabouts were in Berlin when he tried to infiltrate German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s office when he was shooed away with a broom.  Once the pet of supervillain Herr Gerfahr, Lap-Cat was imbued with superior intelligence in a lab accident by his former owner (then known as Frankenfurter).  After this he left Herr Gerfahr to lead his own life and quickly turned to espionage.

Lap-Cat disarms his targets with his cuteness as he quickly learned humans were susceptible to it.  He invaded the homes of the rich and elite, purring and brushing up against people’s legs.  Eventually, he would jump onto the unsuspecting human’s lap while they were going over some documents or working on their computers.  From here, Lap-Cat could read their documents and sell their secrets.  If lucky, he could download files onto a thumb drive he carried around his collar while the human wasn’t looking.

Catching the feline superspy has been difficult as he can crawl into tight spaces and see in the dark.  He’s been captured once before in Madrid but was released due to a technicality in Spanish law, which didn’t have a stipulation for talking cats.

But with more advanced scanners and better intelligence, all atypical creatures are detected within French government buildings once they enter.  Lap-Cat was caught by French authorities and is currently being held in a secret facility.  Lap-Cat won’t be able to get out like he did in Spain; France made sentient animals a protected class in 2008.

After Android Fails, Mic-D Returns as Clone

By Stan Hopewell

File photo

TIJUANA, Mexico – After rap mogul Gray Matter debuted an android of the late Mic-D last month, many people wondered about the ethics of such a decision.  Now, Gray Matter debuted his late partner as a clone at a concert in Tijuana.

“People were complaining about his jerky movements,” said Gray Matter after the show, “but now he ain’t a robot.  Now he’s a real human being, yo!”

Indeed, the cloned Mic-D’s movements were much more fluid than the android, but most concert-goers did not initially recognize that it wasn’t just an actor playing the part.  “From a hundred feet away, it’s just some dude, you know?” said Janet Mayer, an American who came to Tijuana to see this show.  It was a sentiment carried by most of the audience of 10,000, but afterwards, Gray Matter showed him off the media.

“This is the real deal, my [expletive] [expletive],” he said.  “We’re going to blow this [expletive] up!”

The Mic-D clone seemed overwhelmed by the attention, seeing as he was technically only two months old despite having an adult body.  Gray Matter didn’t allow him to speak or interact with the media and quickly ducked back into their tour bus without taking questions.

One of the questions repeatedly asked was about the moral quandaries of resurrecting a deceased friend for monetary gain without the deceased’s consent.  Concert-goers seemed put off when they learned the news.  “Oh my God, I can’t believe he said that,” said Juanita Hermanos.  “Why can’t they leave the dead alone?  Don’t they know that’s bad luck?”

“What?  No, that was just an actor, right?  No way someone would be so stupid to do that to their friend,” said Carlos Estes.

“Ew,” said Stacy Paul.

There were other lingering questions as well:  Where did the android go?  Where did Gray Matter get the money or genetic material to clone Mic-D?  Did his family consent to it?  And how is he going to tour the U.S., where cloning is illegal?  It’s no coincidence that the cloned Mic-D was debuted in Mexico.  He was likely bred there as well as Mexico has more lenient cloning laws.

Reporters crowded Gray Matter’s tour bus, screaming questions at him.  The bus pulled away, and Gray Matter leaned out the window, flipping everyone off.  The cloned Mic-D did the same but used the wrong fingers.

Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

By Packie Williams

Supervillain Hellena was back in New Romford today, jumping several miles in just a few jumps before being defeated by Titana at Bayland Amusement Park.

Hellena, an alternate timeline version of the superhero Titana, had apparently stolen something from ATOM Labs this morning.  NRPD and ATOM Labs are keeping quiet as to what the item was, but it was small enough to be carried by hand in a metal container.  After stealing the item, Hellena proceeded to jump several stories into the air (as she cannot fly) towards downtown.  She landed first just outside of PFHQ and then in the middle of the New Avenue and 4^th Avenue intersection, causing pile-ups in the dozens in every direction.  Titana flew in from the north and knocked her alternate self into the Bayland Amusement Park.

Witnesses reported that the two Amazonian princesses talked for several minutes before they fought.  They destroyed several small game stands and the carousel before ending up on the Ferris Wheel. 

Hellena’s fighting style was erratic and very limber, according to Diana Price.  “She was doing all these weird backflips and contortions.  She must have a super spine to do this stuff.  And then her breasts flopped out of her costume.”

“I don’t know what world she came from, but superwomen need to support their girls like everyone else.”

Despite her wardrobe malfunction, Hellena proved formidable for several minutes until Titana threw baseballs from a bottle-knock-down game at her.  Eventually, she went down with a fastball to the face.

Titana waited for the NRPD to arrive and arrest Hellena.  She spoke with an office and flew away with the container in hand.

Bayland Amusement Park closed for the rest of the day and indefinitely until repairs can be made.

The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

By Muffy Borgeron

The Bette Midler Show rolled into the Tom Foreman Opera House last night at 7pm and lasted into the early hours of the morning.  Midler’s fans have been getting their money’s worth at her one-woman show across the country thanks to the cybernetic legs she got last year.

“These new legs have been remarkable!” said Midler.  “I could stand on them all day and never get tired.  It’s fantastic!”

On New Year’s Eve in 2004, Midler was caught in anunusual helicopter accident where the aircraft landed on her legs.  Initially, she was left a paraplegic, but last year, she was one of the first citizens to get cybernetic prosthetics.  They are more reliable than normal prosthetics, and they allow the user to sense touch, heat, and cold.  And they never get tired.

The Bette Midler Show has been touring the country for the past two months to rave reviews.  Midler, according to her fans and critics, seems to have more energy onstage.  The song-and-dance production started out in New York as a three-hour show, but it has quickly sprawled out to five hours with Midler chatting with audience members, doing acrobatics, and breaking concrete bricks with her cybernetic legs.

“I’ve never done anything like this,” said Midler, “but I have these robot legs, so I have to give my fans something amazing!”

Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

By Falco Rockbert

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – While continuing to build his Trump Portal Detector, business magnate Donald Trump revealed his “big surprise” about President Obama by attempting to prove he was being mind-controlled using a psychic wave detector.  He only succeeded in causing headaches for every living thing within three miles and receiving a visit from the Secret Service.

Not satisfied with the surmounting evidence that the president was born in Hawaii, Trump first accused Obama of being a clone.  When that didn’t pan out, he hired scientists to build a portal detector to prove Obama was from an alternate dimension.  Impatient, he bought a psychic wave detector from Germany to prove Obama was being mind-controlled.

All results came back negative for everyone within a three-mile radius, including the White House and Congress, but scientists are suggesting Trump bought a substandard device as a proper detector doesn’t cause side effects.  Headaches were felt by every living thing after he activated his device, causing several traffic accidents on roads and highways, mass confusion in animals, and alarms to go off at the Pentagon and White House.  There was a panic of a terrorist attack, but Trump was videotaping himself from his room in the Hay-Adams, overlooking the White House, when it happened.

“With this psychic wave detector,” said Trump on the video, “I can determine if the president is being mind-controlled by Mental-Man or Dr. Brain or whoever [editor’s note:  there are no records that these supervillains exist].  I can ensure the American people that I will get to the bottom of whoever that man is in the White House, once and for all.”  Then, Trump fumbled around with the device and activated it.  He is shown experiencing a headache as soon as it’s turn on.

The video then briefly shows Trump and another man fumbling to turn off the device, and then the video cuts off.  The Secret Service was able to triangulate the position of the device from their command center and promptly arrested Trump.  So far, no major injuries have been reported around D.C. or from the White House, but President Obama did appear from the White House balcony to wave at supporters.  Aides say he was making jokes about it at dinner.

Trump is currently in Secret Service custody along with the psychic wave detector.  No word yet on what charges he may face.

Grammer Hit by Rake at Premiere

By Julia Crumpleman

Actor Kelsey Grammer, best known for his work as Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Fraiser, was back in New Romford for the premiere of his new movie, Marty & Irene, at the historic Wilmore Theater when he stepped on a rake and smacked his face with its handle.

Grammer, who fell into a Hawaiian cave while on a hike a few weeks ago, laughed it off.  “I guess I better find Bart,” he said as he and his wife entered the theater.  No one knows where the rake came from, but it was likely left over from one of the gardeners.  There were no more reported rake incidents after that.

Mary & Irene is a romantic comedy starring Grammer and Sarah Jessica Parker as a pair of lawyers forced to work together on a case when their kids take a joy ride in the car of a superhero, played by Wesley Snipes.  It was filmed in New Romford last year.

Mysterious Thefts Continue

By Packie Williams

The mysterious thefts that have plagued eastern Dukes for the past two weeks has continued with an apparent new twist:  residents’ bank accounts.

August Hills resident, Jerry Minor, went to his bank and cashed his savings account in excess of $12,000.  Security cameras show him entering the WinMac branch on 19^th Avenue, alone, and leaving with two suitcases full of money.  But Minor has no memory of this nor of where the money went.

“I thought I was going crazy,” he said.  “I was checking my account online and saw the withdrawal.  Needless to say, I was shocked and immediately called the bank.  When they said I came in and withdrew the money, I thought it was some sort of joke, but then I saw the video.  I swear, I do not remember this.”

Minor’s account was the first of three separate incidents, all residents of the wealthy August Hills neighborhood.  Selma Negras reported withdrawing $8,000, and Charles Tobin reported withdrawing $9,000.  Both did not remember a thing.

The NRPD has told all banks to be suspicious of any suspicious withdrawals, even if it’s made by the owner of the accounts.  Police Commissioner Trombeau advised all New Romford residents to keep an eye on their money and valuables during the investigation.  When asked if a superhuman could be behind this, he said, “I wouldn’t rule it out.”

Déjà vu Rocks City

By Falco Rockbert

New Romford was hit with a sudden case of déjà vu yesterday afternoon at around 3:15.  Seemingly everyone in the area felt like they had experienced the same event happen twice at the same time.

Martin Grainger, a.k.a. Dr. Amazing of The Amazings, felt the déjà vu as well and even recorded it.  “We have very precise clocks here at Grainger Tower,” he said, “and we somehow saw a tiny blip occur at the 3:14:35 mark of two microseconds.  It’s like time stopped and then restarted.”

The blip was so brief that it could hardly be said to have occurred at all, said Dr. Amazing, but it seems that everyone in the world, and not just New Romford, felt it.  The déjà vu caused sudden bursts of disorientation, disrupting activities.   Reports have come in of car accidents in most U.S. cities and in Canada and Mexico.  A 40-car pile-up was reported in Los Angeles.  A Parliament session in London was halted for an hour, and planes nearly collided mid-air in Germany.

As for what caused the déjà vu is uncertain.  Dr. Amazing is still investigating the blip with the aid of scientists from around the world.  But he said the most likely cause was a reset of the timestream.

“I’d bet someone came back from the future to stop some event from happening,” he said.  “Whatever this event was probably was the trigger for a series of events that lead up to a terrible future.  When that happens, the timestream is reset to a different path, and that usually leads to a brief sense of déjà vu.  The last time I can remember this happening—or rather the last time it’s happened in this timestream—was seven years ago on New Year’s Eve.”

On December 31, 2004, a helicopter inexplicably crash landed on Bette Midler, crippling her from the waist down, during a performance at Carnegie Hall.  Eight people died of unusual causes that night, and no cause of the déjà vu was discovered.

No casualties have been reported from yesterday.

Ask Julia: Telepathic Protection

By Julia Crumpleman

Today’s question comes from Brandon:

Dear Julia, I keep seeing these flyers for “telepathic protection classes.”  Are these worth the money, or are they just scams?

Good question, Brandon!  Telepathy is a tricky subject to tackle, even for superheroes.  U.N. estimates there are about 200 telepaths in the world, maybe more, making up a very small portion of the world’s population.  The majority of these people are low-level telepaths with limited range and power.  The big guns, like Professor Quinton, are rare and usually have other things on their mind, so to speak.  Being caught in a psychic attack of any sort is a super rare occurrence even by superhero standards.

But protecting yourself isn’t a bad idea, either.  These telepathic protection classes promise to “keep your mind safe and clear from any intruders,” but the American Psychology Association has raised serious doubts about their practices.  Namely, how do you know if the instructor can be trusted?  Who says that eloquent, bald man isn’t poking around in your head for juicy tidbits while proclaiming to set up mental barriers?  And it’s not like you can test out your new mental barriers to know if they work until someone actually tries to read your mind.  By then it could be too late.  Still, the APA is constantly evaluating these classes and their methods, so be sure to check out their website for more information.

If you’re still worried about possibly psychic attacks, then you may want to look into technological barriers.  Telepathy blockers are being introduced into the market, and they look just like Bluetooth headsets.  Just hook one to your ear, and it provides mental protection (according to the manufacturers of course).  There are even larger models that you can set up at home much like a home security system.  They’re based on models used for military and government facilities, so they should provide some protection for you at home.

Happy thoughts, Brandon!

Nanites Won’t Stop Building

By Buffy Bolivar

File photo

Now, the Muskrat admits, things are getting out of hand.  The nanites that Professor Stratosphere infused into the Quinton School’s buildings have been continually building new structures ever since the Pop Man attack from two weeks ago.   They’re threatening to overrun the school’s property line and spread out towards the town of Carterson.

“We are working on a solution right now,” said the Muskrat in a written statement.  “We will do whatever is necessary to slow down the nanites before they reach the school’s property line.  Professor Stratosphere is working with ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing around the clock to alleviate this situation.  In the meantime, both the faculty and students are working diligently to destroy any new buildings in hopes of forcing the nanites to rebuild them and stay on campus.”

Indeed, residents of Carterson can hear the explosions from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes.  “Every few minutes you can just hear a large thud or kapow,” said Randy Scobel.  “I was just reading the paper this morning when I started hearing the explosions, and I spilled my coffee all over the place.  I could even feel my house shake on one of the really big ones.”

Carterson mayor, Laura McKinley, has expressed deep concerns over the explosions and the nanites.  She said she objected to the nanites when Professor Stratosphere first told her about them, but since the school is outside the city limits, there wasn’t much she could do.

“I told him these weren’t a good idea,” said McKinley.  “Obviously, I’m not a scientist, but there’s just something off about little machines.  I asked what would happen if they went rogue, and he assured me that everything would be fine.  I tried to look him straight in the face to get a reassurance, but his globe helmet makes it difficult to do that.”

For now Mayor McKinley is urging residents to remain vigilant and ready to evacuate if they start to see gargoyle statues suddenly appear on their houses.

Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

By Falco Rockbert

NEW YORK – Not content with seeing President Obama be born in person, business magnate Donald Trump now claims the president is from a parallel universe.  And he is spending millions to prove it.

“How many parallel universes are there in the multiverse?” said Trump to the New York Times.  “Infinite, right?  How do we know the president wasn’t switched at birth with an evil version of himself?  Did anyone take pictures of him as a baby with a goatee?  We haven’t seen it because they’re hiding something from us, and I intend to prove it.”

The multiverse is an ever-expanding field of study in cosmology as new parallel universes are discovered every year.  ATOM Labs has notated at least 12,000 different parallel universes in the past sixty years.  Many superheroes that reside in our universe, dubbed Universe-Prime, came from parallel universes, including Total Woman, Laser, and the android Qu8N-J.  A parallel universe can be different in subtle ways, where green means stop on traffic lights (Universe 2,144), or in significant ways, where the sun is green and lizards rule the world (Universe 8,401).

Access to dimensional portals is restricted all around the world thanks to the Dimensional Portal Agreement of 1988.  To operate such a machine requires extensive inspection by the UN Superhuman Security Panel, and most would-be dimension hoppers are shut down before they even get started.  Iran tried to setup their own dimensional portal for “scientific reasons” in 2007, but they were shut down through several sanctions and a special “spray” Dr. Amazing made rendering an area immune to portal generation.  Even building a portal detector to determine if objects came from Universe-Prime requires scrutiny as it could still be used to generate portals.

Somehow, Trump is passing all the inspections.  “We have nothing to hide here,” he said.  “The UN and Dr. Amazing are all welcome to watch us build the Trump Portal Detector at any time of the day.”

A dozen floors in the Trump Tower have been converted from retail space to the Trump Portal Detector, and every UN inspector says it’s compliant.  “He’s following every mandate,” said inspector Thomas Gundel.  “The walls have been reinforced to sustain the pressure, the iridium is purified, and the whole room is spotless.  And gold.  That’s not really a necessity, but it’s as Mr. Trump wants it.”

Trump expects the Trump Portal Detector to be completed in a couple months.  The White House had no comment.

Wrigley Field Ivy Turns Against Cubs

By Dash Hamley

CHICAGO – The infamous Wrigley Field ivy, which has beautified the stadium for decades, has apparently turned against the Chicago Cubs.

Last night, the Cubs were hosting the Houston Astros when outfielder Fernando Martinez hit a ball towards right field.  Cubs right fielder, David DeJesus, ran back to catch it when the ivy batted the ball away from his glove.  “At first, I thought it just hit the tip of my glove,” DeJesus said.  “But then the fans started yelling something about the ivy.  I thought they were crazy.”

Instant replay showed the ivy’s interference, but nothing was called on the play.  The next inning, Cubs center fielder, Brett Jackson went to grab the ball as it bounced into the ivy, but he couldn’t pull it out.  “It was like the ivy had just grabbed it,” Jackson said.  “By the time I pried it out, the runner was already to third.”

By then, manager Dale Sveum went to talk to the umpires.  A short argument ensued, but no one was sure what had happened.  By the seventh inning, it was clear that the ivy was actively sabotaging the Cubs when it tripped both Jackson and left fielder Alfonso Soriano.  Play was suspended, and the ivy gave a deep, bellowing laugh.

When asked about its apparent sentience, it said, “I’ve always been awake.  How is my secret.”  As for its behavior, the ivy just said, “This team is pathetic and awful.  You try watching this double-A squad play ‘baseball’ for a hundred years.”  Here, the ivy formed hands so it could form air quotation marks.

Major League Baseball and the Cubs are looking into what to do with the ivy, but since the Cubs only have two more games, and neither team is in playoff contention, they may just cancel the final games.  The ivy reportedly laughed into the night.

Quinton School Nanites Double School’s Capacity

By Buffy Bolivar

File photo

The Quinton School for Young Superheroes is still infested with Professor Stratosphere’s nanites.  For over a week, they’ve been rebuilding the school from the Pop Man attacks and then adding onto the campus’s buildings, and now they’ve effectively doubled the school’s capacity.

Dorms, classrooms, cafeterias, and combat rooms have all been duplicated by the nanites.  What was once a school fit for a maximum of 60 students can now house 120.  And the nanites have not stopped building.

“Professor Stratosphere is monitoring the situation closely,” said the Muskrat, who has returned from his mission with the Peace Force.  “It’s nice that they’re so effective at their jobs and that they’ve doubled the school for free.  So far, we’re grateful.”  The Professor could not be reached for comment as he was busy examining the nanites. 

The students, who are suddenly finding themselves with extra space, are taking advantage of the situation.  Gale Bradley, a.k.a. Star Girl or Bright Woman (she hasn’t decided which she likes better yet), is enjoying the extra space.  “The dorms here are pretty much the same size anywhere else,” she said, “so now we all got another room, and we’re spreading out.  Some guys have been punching holes in the walls to try and make them one room, but it doesn’t work for long as the nanites rebuild the walls immediately.”

In between classes, some of the students have been having fun blowing up the gargoyles and watching the nanites descend on the broken off statue and reattach it to the building in a matter of minutes, even from 400 feet away. 

Asked if they were worried about the nanites, most of the students just shrugged it off.  Matt Klutte, a.k.a. Sheer Man, said, “Look, I’ve had translucent skin all my life.  That guy over there looks like a frog-wolf, and that guy can detach his joints like a freaking toy.  Like, seriously, his arms just pop off like he’s made of plastic, and he can pop them in and out like nothing.  These nanites are nothing next to us.”

Cat Monster Eats Hamilton Hotel

By Stan Hopewell

A 50-foot cat-like monster terrorized downtown New Romford today, eating the majority of the Hamilton Hotel before being stopped by Adonis.

Several eye witnesses and camera photos show a largely formless creature, covered in fur with whiskers and pointed ears.  Many residents described it as a “cat monster” while fleeing the scene.  “It came out off a cargo ship at the docks,” said Jack Hannahan, a trucker who was down at the docks.  “I don’t know where it came from, but the ship’s crew apparently didn’t know it was on their ship when it broke loose.”

The origin of the creature was unknown.  Monster Island is located in the Pacific Ocean, not the Atlantic.  The NRPD are investigating the ship’s crew and logs very carefully to determine its origin and if foul play was involved.

Once the creature left the ship, it moved across the docks and jumped over I-99.  It apparently landed on a train which went north through downtown.  The creature fell off around 8^th Avenue, disoriented according to witnesses.  Then, there was a gurgling sound emanating from the creature, and it ate the Hamilton Hotel.  Fortunately, the building was empty due to remodeling.

After the creature devoured the hotel, Adonis swooped in, punched the creature a few times in its face, tied its whiskers in a bow, and flew it out of the city to an unknown destination.  “It’s somewhere safe,” Adonis said.  “I don’t know where it came from, but the police have it handled.”

Lightning Bug Arraigned

By Chase Chapley

Horace Wagner, a.k.a. the Lightning Bug, was arraigned in New Romford City Court today on 24 counts of property destruction, illegal possession of advanced weaponry, reckless endangerment of non-superpowered civilians, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.

Wagner, who last week blew up part of the Verzatt Estates and was defeated in a battle with Speedster in Downtown New Romford, pled no contest to all charges.  Judge Moynihan placed a $2,000,000 bond and sent Wagner to New Romford County Jail to await trial.

If convicted, Wagner could face up to 60 years in prison, but supervillains of Wagner’s stature rarely receive the maximum sentences.  Since he was purportedly trying to set up contacts with the New Romford underworld, it’s possible he could be released early on a plea deal.  It’s also possible that he breaks out of jail as that is an all too common occurrence with supervillains.

Quinton School Nanites Keep Building

By Buffy Bolivar

File photo

The nanites of the Quinton School for Young Superheroes appear to keep rebuilding the campus, long after they’ve rebuilt the buildings that were destroyed last week.

Pop Man attacked the school last week, exploding several buildings on campus, and was eventually arrested.  When reached for comment on the attack, Professor Stratosphere remarked that he infused the architecture with nanites, or microscopic robots, that would rebuild any structure within days.  Apparently, that time has come and gone, yet the nanites keep building.

“Well, they do seem rather rambunctious,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “Of course, I’m monitoring them, but they seem to be adding gargoyles and spikes and such to the buildings.  They were never in the original blueprints, but they’re building them.  Adds a gothic quality to them.  Might raise tuition prices.”

As to why they keep building, the Professor was still investigating.  They use the atoms from their surroundings to replicate the structure they rebuild, and the Quinton School sits on top a hill rich in many types of rock.  He could not estimate when they would stop.

The Muskrat, who is the new headmaster of the school, could not be reached for comment as he was on a Peace Force mission in Quebec.

Kelsey Grammer Hospitalized in Hawaii

By Julia Crumpleman

HONOLULU – Actor Kelsey Grammer was hospitalized today after falling down into a cave on the island of Oahu.  No major injuries were reported.

The actor best known for portraying the role of Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Frasier for twenty years was on a hike with his wife and friends when he slipped and fell.  Grammer, who maintains a residence in Hawaii, suffered a heart attack in 2008, and he’s been taking hikes to maintain his health.  But this fall was not what the doctor ordered.

“We were just hiking along this path near his house,” said Mark Platt, one of Grammer’s companions.  “We’ve been on this trail several times, actually, but we took a fork that was new to all of us, and that’s when Kelsey just slipped and fell down some rocks.”

Platt was able to find a safer route to the cave and found that Grammer only fell about thirty feet.  Grammer was lying on the ground, staring at a statue that Platt described as “the Tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Hawaii episodes”.  Platt apparently had to snap Grammer back to reality and helped him out of the cave.

Despite some bumps and bruises, Grammer is expected to make a full recovery and will be able to return home soon.

Vandals Ransack Veralow

By Buffy Bolivar

Camera phone photo from Jennifer Lee

The Vandals are back, and they ransacked a strip mall in Veralow today.

“Those damn (expletive) took all of paintings and silverware,” said Pigori Subs owner, Fabian Pigori.  “I was just working in the back on my classic Italian pizza subs.  I had an order for 100 pizza subs for a bigwig business guy, and then those (expletive) Vandals popped out of nowhere and ransacked my amazing restaurant.”

Other store owners of the Veralow Plaza on Chaucer Street told similar stories.  Cronkston Vintage Clothing store noted the Vandals took off with several racks of women’s clothes, even though none of the Vandals were women, MegaHertz electronic store lost hundreds of yards of various cords, and EZ Cash Checking said they took chairs, a desk, and a few paintings, but no cash.

“It was the strangest robbery we’ve ever had,” said Jonathan Drake of EZ Cash Checking.  “I mean, normally, people go for the cash and not the furniture.  So strange.  And then they all disappeared in a white light, just like they arrived.”

The German supervillain, Herr Gerfahr, used his time traveling device in the 1980’s to loot treasures from history.  The Amazings were able to stop him in 455 CE when the Vandals ransacked Rome, but a small group of Vandals got caught in a time-space loop and have been hopping to different times and places ever since.  Their last known locations were London in 1994, outside Osaka, Japan in 1967, Machu Picchu in 1571 (according to Spanish histories), and St. Petersburg, Russia in 1799.  Usually their appearances last only a few minutes, and no one knows where they put all of their loot.

Regardless, the time-space-traveling Vandals have not ransacked the same place twice, which provides some comfort to shop owners of the Veralow Plaza.  “At least I can write it up to my insurance,” said Pigori.  “I’ve lived in New Romford my whole life, and this is literally the only crazy thing that’s ever happened to me, so I count my blessings.  It’s like they say:  Vandals never strike twice.”

Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

By Skip Daverman

MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities have continued their bickering since they became sentient two days ago.  Crowds are gathering around to see the mouths for themselves, but at their own peril.

University of Minnesota scientists and both city police forces have cordoned off several blocks around the mouths, both to monitor their continued bickering and to protect curious residents.  “The decibel levels are typically in the 90s,” said physics Professor John Stockman.  “That’s about as loud as a train whistle or jackhammer, and that’s when they talk at a normal level.  When they yell, it’s up in the 140s, which is as loud as an airplane.  That is very dangerous for human ears.”

Even with the police perimeter, three UM students snuck in to see the Minneapolis mouth.  They threw beer cans into it without reaction.  They continued throwing beer cans, garbage cans, and rocks, but the giant maw didn’t seem to notice.  Then one student began to urinate into it, and that’s when it coughed and yelled.

The sound vibrations caused a minor earthquake in downtown Minneapolis and triggered the St. Paul mouth to laugh hysterically, causing another minor earthquake in St. Paul.  Both were under 4.0 on the Richter scale.  While no property damage was reported, the eardrums of the UM students were completely shattered, and hundreds of residents reported ringing in their ears for several minutes.

The Minneapolis police quickly arrested the three students and expanded their perimeter around the mouth.  “This is really dangerous,” said Minneapolis police chief, Andrew McDaniels, at an impromptu press conference outside the new perimeter.  “These gigantic mouths are nothing to be trifled with.  Please stay behind the perimeter for your own safety.”

When reporters asked follow-up questions, McDaniels asked for them to be repeated several times, forcing everyone to yell for a half hour on the street.

Lightning Bug Equipment Malfunction Caused Explosion

By Chase Chapley

New details have emerged from the Lightning Bug’s capture last week.  Horace Wagner, a.k.a. the Lightning Bug, had acquired some new equipment while staying at the Verzatt Estates.  This new equipment apparently malfunctioned and caused the explosion.

Wagner had set up an alias in New Romford several months ago, presumably to make connections with new partners.  Sources within the NRPD are not commenting on exactly who he was meeting with, but given his apartment at Verzatt Estates under the alias John Smith, it is assumed he met or was attempting to meet with rich clients.

At some point, Wagner was given new equipment to augment his Lightning Bug suit.  It malfunctioned and caused the explosion at his apartment.  Wagner then fled the scene in his suit, followed by a small swarm of insects, and was eventually captured by Speedster.  The NRPD would not confirm what the new equipment was exactly, but they did confirm that it wasn’t nuclear or otherwise contagious.  ATOM Labs scanned the room and confirmed the results.

Wagner is currently in jail, awaiting trial for several counts of destruction of property, illegal possession of advanced weaponry, vandalism, battery, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.

Speedster Zips Through Downtown, Leaves Wave of Destruction

By Chase Chapley

File photo

On her way out of New Romford this morning, Speedster left her usual wave of destruction down 21^st Street as cars slammed into each other trying to avoid her quick movements.

On First Avenue, Jonathan Hu veered off the side of the road into a light post.  “She just came out of nowhere,” he said.  “She was running so fast that all I could do was swerve, but I hit the damn post because of her.”  Hu was at least thankful he didn’t hurt anyone.

On Second Avenue, Michael Watt hit the rear bumper of the truck in front of him as Speedster zipped right past him.  “I was drinking my coffee,” he said, “when she just flew by.  Must’ve been going 200 miles an hour.  I spilled my coffee in my lap when she flew by, and I got distracted and just hit the truck in front of me.”

On Third Avenue, Ida Noh had a similar story.  She was riding her bicycle when Speedster ran by.  “She was just so fast,” she said.  “I was crossing the street, and there was a car starting to turn, waiting for me, and then there she was.  She ran by and one car rear-ended another and bumped the car into me.  Then, I look down the street and everyone’s getting into accidents.”  Noh says she only experienced minor scraps, but she just can’t understand why Speedster won’t slow down.  “I mean, we got speed limits on the roads for a reason.  Why can’t she follow them?

“I thought she was a hero.”

Speedster turned onto Seventh Avenue at the YMCA, causing several more minor car accidents, before merging onto Eighth Avenue, causing Bea Caws to slam into a fire hydrant.  “I hate superheroes!” she said.  “Just get out of the damn city already and leave us alone.  This is the fifth accident I’ve had this month all thanks to so-called superheroes!”

Tom Morrow and Todd Hay were sitting at the Shortstop Café to get a front row seat at the spectacle.  “We came down here for a light lunch like we always do,” Morrow said, “because there’s usually something exciting happening downtown.  And Speedster is just so much fun to watch, too!  I know people get into accidents, and that’s not fun for them, but as a spectator, we just love it!”

Their waiter, who didn’t provide his name, was asked about the accidents and said, “I don’t care.”

PF-Atlantis Meeting Wrap-up

By Stan Hopewell

File photo:  King Morn

As the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting wrapped up tonight, a few more details have started to emerge.

First, Speedster eventually made it to the meetings, but no one saw her enter.  From all accounts, she was fidgeting when she did sit down, which distracted everyone, human and Atlantean alike.  She was asked to leave by a Peace Force member, and she did.  Again, no one saw her exit.

Second, the levels of pollution the Atlanteans wanted were, naturally, very low compared to the U.S. numbers.  The Atlanteans felt that the U.S. was going back on their word to reduce water pollution levels to 3% by 2020, and they were also still upset about last year’s oil spills that destroyed their kelp farms and marlin hunting waters.  The U.S. officials maintained that was an aberration and that they will continue to lower their pollution levels.

Third, most intriguingly, an alternative was being proposed to the Atlantis Underway.  The plan to build a 1,500 mile underwater highway and/or high-speed rail line didn’t garner much attraction from the U.S. due to its high cost.  The Atlanteans were, by and large, not too fond of the idea either.  Instead, another project, the Atlantis Elevator, garnered more interest as it would cost considerably less money to build.  Essentially, it would be a giant freight elevator built from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to sea level about halfway in between Atlantis and the eastern seaboard.  Freight ships would sail to the elevator which would essentially be a port for the exchange of cargo.  Whether or not the White House goes for the idea is unknown.

No matter what happens in Washington, attendees came away feeling productive.  Next year’s meeting is already being planned as a two-day event.

Donald Trump Claims Obama Is A Clone

By Falco Rockbert

File photo

NEW YORK – Despite all evidence to the contrary, business magnate Donald Trump claimed today that President Obama was a clone.

For months Trump has been questioning the president’s legitimacy as an American citizen.  Last year he sent a team to Hawaii to investigate Obama’s birth certificate, claiming that it was “missing.”  The following week the White House release the president’s long form Certificate of Live Birth from Hawaii, hoping to put the “controversy” to rest.

It stayed alive, of course.  Trump and other birthers had requested on a daily basis to use Dr. Amazing’s time machine to see the president’s birth for themselves.  Eventually, Dr. Amazing relented, and, with the approval from the president with assurances nothing would be altered, he allowed journalists, politicians, and selected civilians to witness Obama’s birth in Honolulu in 1961.  Trump tagged along, footing half of the $10 million to operate the machine.  Most of the time travelers came back satisfied that President Obama was an American citizen (apart from the tragic fate of John Mahoney).  Trump was not.

“This proves nothing,” said Trump in an interview with Fox News.  “All this shows is that Obama was born in Hawaii but not that he is who he says he is.  There’s a lot of time from when he was born to now.  How do we know he isn’t a clone?  We don’t.  In this world of supervillains and weirdoes, we’ve had hundreds of clones.  Even of superheroes.  How do we know the president isn’t a clone of some nefarious party?”

While superheroes have been known to be switched with clones in the past, today they have methods of detecting such things.  Tarantula-Man was infamously switched with a clone over 20 years ago, a saga that wrecked his life.  It took him years to salvage his reputation, but a method to detect clones was discovered by ATOM Labs. 

“This is ludicrous,” said ATOM Labs professor, Sarah McLane.  “We scan every member of Congress, every member of the Supreme Court, and every member of the White House once a week.  There are no clones in Washington.”

Trump was not swayed by this.  “Clearly, they’re in cahoots with the president,” he said.  “Why don’t they let the public see this?  Why is this behind closed doors?  I tried to go in and see it, but they turned me away.  They’re hiding something.”

McLane says that the Clone Detector is available to view on the ATOM Labs tour but confirmed that they turned Trump away.  “We didn’t let him in because he was harassing everybody,” she said.  “This is a place for learning, sharing ideas, expanding human knowledge.  Not browbeating everyone who disagrees with you.”

“Plus, his hair was scaring children.”

Meetings Over; On to Washington

By Stan Hopewell

At 7pm the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting is officially over.  U.S. officials, Peace Force members, and Atlanteans flooded the hall in good spirits.  Adonis, Titana, and the royal couple appeared before the crowd on the balcony, thanking everyone for attending.

“I officially call this year’s meeting to a close,” said Adonis.  “It’s not often that we all get together like this, and I’m honored to have hosted King Morn, Queen Rosn’elia, and their Royal Circle here today.”  He went on to generalize what was said in the meetings but gave no specifics.

King Morn gave a short speech in Atlantean to a jovial response from his Circle and then repeated it, supposedly, in English.  “I know being overland is hard on my people,” he said, “but Adonis and the Peace Force have made our stay a welcomed one.  I thank him and all of you overlanders for your hospitality.”  He and his wife bowed and exited the balcony. 

As for what was discussed, no one was allowed to give specifics.  “These were preliminary meetings to gather facts,” said Senator Saluzzi.  “Any specific deals will be made at Congress and the White House.  But I will say that we did gain ground, so to speak, on some trade deals.”

The Atlanteans filed back into their limousines and left for their ship the M’ranic.  Tomorrow, they will be headed to Washington for a two-day visit with the President.  A wrap-up on today’s meetings will come later tonight.

Alligator Skin Outbreak in the Heights

By Muffy Borgeron

Professor Alan Guinness

An outbreak of alligator skin has spread throughout the Heights in the past week, and residents are advised to get vaccinated.

Alligator skin was a relatively benign disease that sprang up in the 70’s when New Romford University professor, Alan Guinness, was attempting to regenerate body parts in humans using reptilian DNA.  His experiments backfired when he was turned into an anthropomorphic alligator.  Initially, he ravaged NRU campus before being stopped by the Tarantula-Man and Dr. Amazing.  Dubbed “The Gator,” Guinness was able to regain control of his feral instincts but not his human form.  But his rampage spread the disease alligator skin, which slowly transforms a human’s skin into rough alligator-type skin but doesn’t transform them into rampaging lizard monsters.

“I thought I had eradicated this disease years ago,” said Professor Alan Guinness, who still teaches biology at NRU.  “Dr. Amazing and I created a vaccine for it, and it was seemingly gone by the 90’s.  It became just another vaccine for children to get along with measles, mumps, and dragon pox.  But then people thought they contributed to autism, and now look where we are.

“Turning into an alligator is what you get for not vaccinating your children.”

Indeed, most of the cases have been reported in children under the age of twelve.  Health officials are trying to treat the disease as best they can but say that the best defense is prevention.  Guinness and his students have been creating new batches of the vaccine non-stop all week.